Sunday, 22 December 2013

Chapter 17 - Pages of Her Journal


Okay so first off huge apology. I know it's been ages since I last updated and that my updates have been all over the place this year. But I really do have a lot going on. Full time med student plus I work 4am to 8am shifts now too :(... And on top of that my accommodation is in a bit of a state at the moment where I might be looking for a new place to live. *Deep breaths* so yeh as you can see, a lot going on and with all of it, it's just not possible for me to keep my mind in one place or be in a place where I'm comfortable with writing again. But nevertheless, it's still unfair on you guys who have remained so loyal so I'm going to update and see how it goes....

Lyrics credit: Stay with you by Goo Goo Dolls


~
Let's count your scars
- I said
Why?
- She replied
Because then I can see
How many times you needed me
And how many times
I wasn't there. 
- Oisin, Ideas on Ink



The quote used at the start is one I came across on Tumblr: http://apoetwithoutpaper.tumblr.com/


Khushi had to stop, take a deep breath in before she could convince herself to take that first step in and cross that threshold all over again. It awaited her like a storm, the broken pieces of a life she had only barely known. His smell still lingered in the crevices of it's walls and along with it that night all those years ago when they had made love with incoherent words.

A slow tear trailed down her cheeks and she wiped her hand swiftly over it, now was not the time to fall weak. But with every step she could feel her resolve weakening. So many harsh words, so many accusations had been raised in this room and now she didn't know what to make of the fact that she was moving back into it.

They were giving each other another chance, turning new pages in the tattered, old book that was their life but she could feel herself wavering again, she could feel herself breaking apart again.

He walked in just then, stopping mid-step as he watched her back. He was sure his sister was up to something, Anjali never liked to make people uncomfortable, she wouldn't do it if she could help it. So why was she requesting Khushi to move into his room? He didn't question it however, she would manage to convince him of a reason one way or the other, it would just be futile.

He wanted to step forward and take her into an embrace, but he stopped himself. He could feel the edges crumbling once again, there were too many memories in here to torment her.

He walked over to her slowly, till they were breaths apart, till his hand was lingering next to hers.

She turned back quite suddenly, her breath hitching in her throat for a fraction of a second before she managed to compose herself.

He bent down wordlessly, his fingers intertwining around the handle, brushing her soft fingers before she rapidly yanked her hand away. And that pulled at a corner of his heart, that he still made her jump, still made her ache. Their gazes clashed for the smallest of seconds, hazel against charred caramel before he broke away his gaze and walked away with her bag.

They both continued to stand still as time stretched on, their backs facing each other. His hand was still on the handle of the bag and hers balled into small fists. The same thoughts passing through both of their minds.

That they would have to make this work, if not for each other then for the little angel that they had been blessed with, that they had fought for, that they would always continue to fight for.

These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leave me empty still
And I'll, burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
****

Khushi held her bundle of joy close to her heart, till Arshia's eyes had closed and her breathing had become even. Arshia was like her anchor, she felt safe with Arshia close to her, the deep even movements of her little chest putting Khushi's back into rhythm.

Arnav slowly walked over to the door, taking a deep breath in before he opened it, he knew the person on the other side of the door, he'd never had a problem with him all those years ago. But now things were different, now he was the man that had wronged Khushi and Aryan was still her best friend.

He sent his hand around the door knob, bracing himself for all that was to come as something seemed to weight him down with his every movement.

He opened the door to a beaming smile that quickly flattened out to a thin line, before the man in front of him extended his hand for a firm hand shake.

"Aryan," he stated.

"We've met before," Arnav answered, attempting a smile but faltering then let him in.

Aryan slowly took in the lavish interior, if he'd been surprised by the exterior, he was gobsmacked by what he saw now. He'd always known that Arnav had to be rich and of course along with that he'd expected him to be the arsehole he'd eventually shown himself to be.

"Khushi's upstairs, I'll just get her for you, why don't you have a seat," Arnav almost mumbled before he made a run for it. Aryan and his judging gaze made him feel uncomfortable.

---

Khushi finished laying Arshia down in her cot when she heard his footsteps at the door, spending a few more seconds watching the serene face of her baby she turned around to face him, almost immediately taking in his turmoil. His charred caramel orbs were troubled, his hands clenched in fists as was usually the case when he was worried or hassled.

He lowered his gaze quickly, "Aryan's here, he's downstairs, so..." He mumbled as she began to walk over towards him.

It took a lot for Khushi to stop herself from walking over and embracing Arnav, she knew how much he hurt and how much he regretted all that he'd done, but there was a lot left to be done before she would take that step. She knew he wouldn't be comfortable with Aryan around, hell, Aryan and Arnav had never liked each other, but there was no one else that Khushi could trust with this. She didn't want Shyam buying off their lawyer too.

Fooled by my own desires
I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me towards the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

****

She'd lost a lot of weight, her features more angular than he could remember, but her eyes were still piercing and she felt light in his embrace, he plastered a large smile on his face before she looked at him again.

"Well... You look... Different," he smiled, making Khushi's smile widen before she broke into a light giggle, the corners of her eyes crinkling.

"And look who hasn't changed at all," she stated, thankful for the atmosphere that Aryan always carried around with him.

"Well I hope I have, don't you think I've lost weight?" He questioned then, his eyebrows meeting together in that awkward way as he obsessed over himself.

Khushi nodded, still giggling, "no you have you have, you've lost weight, you look ravishing... Would you like any more compliments or are we done for the day?" She questioned jokingly, placing her hand on his arm, gesturing for him to take a seat.

Arnav watched for a few seconds, taking in their camaraderie, the smile that he may never be able to put on Khushi's face again then slowly faded into the shadows before he turned around and walked off, his hands clenched at his sides.

Khushi too looked up suddenly, it was strange how she could still sense his every turbulence, his restlessness, her eyes searched around for him, already knowing that he had walked away.

****

Khushi walked into their room slowly, taking her time to process all that her and Aryan had talked about. It would be difficult to encourage Aryan to even like Arnav again, and she'd known this all along but she suspected it would now be even more difficult to bring Arnav out of his shell. She remembered how much Aryan had hated Arnav when they'd first started dating, and now after all that had happened, convincing Aryan would be an impossible task. But that wasn't her priority.

He stood with his back to her, he knew she was there, but refused to turn around, not yet anyway. His hands were in his pockets as he looked out at the shimmering moon, a thousand conflicts passing through his mind. He felt like he was going to lose her again, her fingertips clinging onto the ends of his then breaking away. He gulped, as the anxiety returned, the fear of what the future would hold, what it would take away.

She walked over to him, as he slowly turned around, causing her to stop mid-step, their gazes clashing and holding.

"Aryan wanted to talk to the both of us," she began then, "he felt the sooner we start..."

He nodded then began walking towards her before she could finish her sentence.

--

Aryan didn't make an effort to hide his distaste towards Arnav, there was no need to. This man had single-handedly ruined the very foundations of Khushi's life. He'd warned her but she hadn't listen and of course it was too late now.

He watched as Arnav evaded his gaze, all but too similarly to how he had evaded all of his responsibilities.

Khushi sat fidgeting, her index finger playing against her thumb as she took deep breaths in and out. She knew what was coming next and she didn't want to look at Arnav, think about what it would put him through. And the worst part of it was that she would have to do this, there was no other way.

"Okay so Khushi's already told me about why you want me fighting this case and I am more than happy to, actually it would be my privilege. But before I go ahead, I need to know everything, from the beginning till now. Don't miss out a single detail, this will all be important," he explained as Arnav's head snapped up. He looked shaken, his charred caramel orbs clouded, before he dropped his gaze, gulping back his fears and bracing himself for what was to come.

"Khushi," Aryan allowed Khushi to begin.

She looked away before she began, taking a deep breath in.

"After Arnav asked me to leave I had no where to turn to," she mumbled, already feeling the low sting of tears in her eyes.

He clenched his hands into fists, gulping, staring at his feet.

"So I gathered the money that I had somehow saved till then and moved into a room in a chawl."

He scrunched his eyes shut, as he dug his fingers into his flesh.

"Of course I didn't know that I was pregnant then," she stated then looked towards Aryan, "and nor did Arnav," she wanted to let the both of them know that she didn't blame Arnav, that the decision had been hers.

"And when I finally found out I didn't know how to tell him," she mumbled as Aryan nodded back at her. "And the more I put it off the more I felt it was too late to tell him."

Arnav turned around to watch the side of her face then, the speckles of tears that already shone in her eyes and he felt his heart give way a little. She was still protecting him, protecting his mistakes. The truth was he'd scared her off, belittled her, so why would she have wanted to tell him anyway? If he'd been in her place he wouldn't have told a man like him either. All he had given Khushi were tears, so why would she think him capable of giving their child anything else? And he knew Aryan saw through her words, Aryan knew he was a monster.

"I kept to myself and got a job as an admin assistant at a doctor's surgery and I attended my check-ups regularly," she began again. "The first doctor I saw changed on my second check-up."

"What was his name again?" Aryan questioned, quickly interrupting.

"Dr Das," she stated before she began again, she could feel her voice giving her tears away.

"I fainted at work because I hadn't yet taken maternity leave and they had taken me to the hospital. They asked me for my consent for a caesarian, I asked them several times if my baby would be okay, if she would survive," her voice broke then, and the tears finally began to trail down her face.

Arnav moved forward in his chair before he stopped himself. It killed him to watch her sob like that, her every tear seared through his heart.

"And they told me she would, so I agreed," she spoke through her tears. "But then I woke up," she finally turned towards Arnav, hazel orbs against caramel spheres, taking him by surprise. "And they told me she hadn't survived, that my baby had died," her sobs were louder and he couldn't stop himself any longer. He stood up and went to sit next to her, taking her into his embrace.

"They told me she was dead..." She looked up towards him again, burying herself into his chest, "I thought, it..."

"Shhh... Shhhh," he hushed her, letting her tears soak into his shirt, "shh it's okay, she's okay, we're okay," he consoled her, sending his fingers through her hair as she shed her tears against him, her body shaking within his embrace.

"I didn't know..." She struggled with her words as they collided off of her tears, "I didn't know what to do, how to fix things." His embrace tightened around her, he wanted to desperately fix things, everything.

She looked up at him once more, "I didn't know how to move on," she mumbled and he had to avert his eyes. He hated himself, at that moment more than he had ever hated himself before because now he knew exactly what he had put her through and for that he never deserved her again.

Aryan watched quietly, giving them space, taken aback by Arnav's gesture. He hadn't seen that coming and although he was still not convinced, he decided to at least give Arnav a chance.

He held her till her sobs had seized, till she straightened up and he loosened his embrace. She looked away from him then but made an effort not to move. She wanted to stay engulfed in his warmth.

"I wanted to just get away, begin again," she said, her fingers entangling through Arnav's of their own accord.

"So I called up Lavanya and she helped me move to London, let me stay at her place until I could sort myself out..." She looked up at Arnav once more, "and then Arnav found me again," she finished off, squeezing his hand gently as he looked down at her once more, then away again, attempting a small smile.

"So what happened on your end Arnav, Shyam contacted you am I right?" Aryan questioned, letting his gaze linger over Arnav, as he flickered his gaze away and back to Aryan, making Aryan perfectly aware that the question made Arnav uncomfortable.

Khushi squeezed his hand again, gently smiling at him, she knew how difficult this would be for him, Arnav was never one to display emotions.

He swallowed before he began, his throat had suddenly become parched. He focused his gaze on Aryan once more, returning to the only demeanour of his that he knew would not betray him.

"I was getting ready for work when I first got Shyam's phone call," he began, his voice cold and devoid of emotion and all Khushi wanted to do was hold him, let him shed his tears, scream and tell him to stop keeping things in. He was ASR again and she hated that, hated that that would hurt him more.

"He told me he had my child, that if I didn't pay a ransom then I wouldn't get her back. I didn't know what to do, up till then I.. I hadn't even known that Khushi had been pregnant and it didn't even make sense. It had only been seven months since she'd left me," he stated, Khushi could hear the notes in his voice faltering, she watched his stern face, his set jaw, and for the first time she witnessed in him the same person that had existed before she had left, she saw the face of the man that had asked her to leave.

"The baby was premature," Aryan added as Arnav nodded back.

"I'd already made a mistake, so I didn't want to make another one so I went with gut instinct and and decided to do something about it anyway. After all, if it wasn't my child then it was still someone else's, it was still a child," he stated matter of factly.

Khushi continued to watch him, the stern lines of his face, the way his eyes gave his emotions away and in that moment she knew that he had never stopped loving her because she had seen him take on this same persona every single time he had spoken to her in the first months of their marriage. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes again, this time for her misunderstandings.

"So I called up the police, gathered the money. Shyam is cunning yes, but he is greedy for money and that is his downfall," Arnav stated, allowing his gaze to meet Aryan's once more. "We had the place surrounded when I went in with the money and the police caught him red handed," he finished off, relieved to see the end of it.

Khushi watched him for a few seconds longer then suddenly tore away from him. His head snapped around towards her, his brows knotting together, it taking him only a second to notice the tears that adorned her face. He stood up suddenly, his arm stretched out towards her but she'd already turned around, her feet already rapidly taking her away from him.

She ferociously wiped at her cheeks as she ran up the stairs, into their room and banged the door shut, slipping down against the door onto the floor as she covered her eyes and cried. She had been so wrong.

Now come in from this storm
I taste you sweet and warm
Take what you need
Take what you need from me

Wake up this world
Wake up tonight
And run with me
Run to me now

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
~
Sometimes I'm terrified
Of my heart; of its constant
hunger for whatever it is
it wants. The way it stops
and starts.
- Edgar Allan Poe
~

 

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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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