Sunday, 12 May 2013

Chapter 15 - Catch Me... Don't Break Me





~

I saw the sadness in your eyes but I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would take your pain away so I kept on saying in my head, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
- unknown
~


"I want you to help me Arnav," she finally mumbled as she quickly lifted his head up to look at her, his eyes raw and red, scorching caramel orbs clashing against glazed puddles of hazel.

He watched her for a few seconds, not sure he had heard the right words, his thoughts a mess as words spinned around in his head. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath in, bracing himself to say something, anything but words failed to come to him. He scrunched strands of the carpet in his fingers then looked away.

She continued to watch him. her own eyes pooling with unshed tears, her insecurities quickly setting in, the door that she had opened beginning to shut of its own accord.

Gulping back tears and attempting to collect his already scattered thoughts he quickly stood up as Khushi swiftly followed but he didn't glance at her more than once, he needed to get away before she saw his vulnerable side once more and he said or did something that would either hurt him or her.

She watched his back as he left, his long stride, his gaze trained in the distance, his set jaw, wishing she could take back the words that she had offered.

****

Khushi fell onto her bed, her weak legs giving way underneath her, the emotional turmoil hitting her in torrents and waves. This is what always happened, he'd let her in then shun her back out again. Just as she'd open his door a crack, he'd push her back a mile. She couldn't deal with this anymore, with him, with Shyam, with the case.

She looked around suddenly, then remembered she'd left Arshia in her room, she got up to go to her then. She needed to escape her torturous thoughts, of making decisions then regretting them and her little angel was the only way out. The only ounce of oblivion in the dark abyss that was her own mind. Sighing and finally mustering up the courage to get herself up she began to slowly walk out of her room, her footsteps silent, the thumping of her heart echoing in her ears. Why couldn't she ever understand him, why couldn't things ever be normal?

Her eyes fell on the slither of light then, that seemed to emanate from the distance behind her. She turned around slowly, her tears choking her throat and her vision blurry from gathered tears, her eyes first falling on the glimmering moon that shone through the large french doors and finally falling upon the dark silhouette that stood against it.

****

He tried to drown it out, prevent the tears from shedding but he was fighting a rapidly losing battle. His emotions continued to overpower him as he attempted to contain his selfish thoughts at bay. Khushi wasn't wrong, in fact he'd wronged her, so many times in so many ways and now he was just pushing her further away, forcing her to question opinions that she'd formed when in reality he'd lost that right a long time back. It's not like he didn't understand, how difficult it was to come to terms with the fact that he was trying to change but it didn't mean that it lessened the pain. His fingers tightened on the wooden edges of the french doors as he attempted to push away the pain, as it seared through his own body no matter how much he tried to control his faltering mind.

She walked up behind him slowly, her feet light on the floor as she tried to take in his trembling body. She tried to hold herself together as her mind continued to question the rash decisions of her heart, trying to withhold the battle between herself as she moved further forward to offer solace to the man she couldn't stop falling for, feeling for.

He wanted to ram his fist through the glass, let the glass shatter and pierce his skin, scrunching his eyes shut he tried to drown out those thoughts. The destructive images that made him the person that she despised, that she would never confide in again. He wanted so desperately to be there for her, this was his doing after all. If just this once, if only she would let him.

She took a deep breath in, bracing herself for what was to come, still unsure of whether she should or not. She could see it replay over and over again on her mind; his distant expression, blazing caramel orbs that gave everything yet nothing away as he searched hers for answers and then finally the unavoidable, as he'd turned away and walked off, leaving her to drown in her own thoughts once more. But she'd keep giving him chances, because she was like clay and he could always mould her to his liking. "Stop it! Stop it Khushi!" She thought to herself, if she didn't take this, she would forever tell herself off for not doing it, so she finally decided, she would.

His eyes snapped open, his breath hitching in his throat as he felt her gentle palm fall upon his shoulders, as her fingers familiarised themselves with the curve of his shoulder, her nails scraping against the fabric of his shirt. Time froze around him as he attempted to understand.

She kept her eyes closed, not knowing what to do next, fearing for his reaction.

He didn't allow himself to think, let his heart guide him for once. He turned around quickly, his arms all but too familiar to the slender curves of her body.

Her eyes opened quickly, widening in surprise as his strong body collided into hers, his arms quickly yet gently wrapping around her. Her own arms moved up his back of their own accord as his fingers grasped the thin material of her blouse, as he buried his head into her neck and she felt the first flush of warm tears tinge her skin.

She grasped him tighter then, her eyes closing of their own accord as one of her hands moved upto his hair, running her fingers softly through it, attempting to hush the trembling body that she now embraced and slow tears began to stream down her own face.

And tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

His fingers tightened on her back as his warm tears caressed the gentle expanse of her neck, as their bodies mingled together in a long forgotten embrace.

"I'm so sorry Khushi! I'm so sorry!"

There it was, his broken words and she had to tighten her eyes closed as she clung onto him as if for dear life, her nails digging into his back. Her walls were breaking, shattering in front of her and this time she didn't even stop them.

"I'm so sorry!" He kept saying it, he had no other words to offer to her, no other ways of making it up to her. He was breaking apart but he didn't care. He was back in that place again, where his mind lost control of his heart and let it act irrationally yet truthfully, where he didn't hold back. His fingers further tightened on her skin, his body shaking with the torrent of emotions rushing through him, "I'm so sorry," he continued to mumble.

She continued to hold him in their embrace, her every other fear forgotten, as she pushed his head further into the space of her neck. She wanted to comfort him, it seemed an automatic reaction, there was nothing in the world that she wanted to do more than comfort him.

"Arnav, shhh, shhh, it's okay," she began to whisper, it was as if she had lost all sense of what was wrong and right. In that moment she wanted to forget everything, forgive him completely. She couldn't find anything within her to oppose her feelings, to just love and comfort him. "Shhh Arnav, it's okay, I'm here, we're okay,"

"I'm so sorry Khushi, I... I don't know, I don't know what else to say, to do. I can't do this anymore Khushi," his voice was broken, a whisper, he couldn't stop himself breaking down and this time he couldn't suppress the feelings that he had for so long. He just wanted to tell her.

"Arnav, it's okay," she ran her fingers through the waves of his hair, gulping back tears that choked her voice as more sprang to the forefront. "Shhh, baby... Shh, it's okay," she tried to comfort him.

He crushed her further into himself, letting all of his worries go and break lose, this was torture, he was being selfish but he didn't know what else to do.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"Khushi...."

"Shhh... Shhhh," she hushed him, pushing him back out of the embrace and cupping his face in her hands, she had to take a deep breath in to prevent herself from unravelling as she stroked her thumbs over the trails of tears on his cheeks, losing herself momentarily in his scorching caramel eyes.

"Khushi..." He brought his hands to her face, resting his forehead against hers as he tried to hold himself together, but faltered all over again. "Khushi... I can't... I can't imagine a life without you..." He mumbled.

It was as her heart stopped all of a sudden, she didn't know for how long she had waited for him to say this, to stop her, to tell her that he needed her and now suddenly, at a time when she least expected it, it was all coming out.

"I know I don't deserve you, for what I've done...." She pushed him back slightly, shaking her head as she tried to stop him but he only continued.

"No let me, please Khushi, otherwise I'll never be able to say it again and I'll curse myself for it for the rest of my life," he reasoned.

She slid her hands down to his wrists holding onto them as their gazes met and held, their faces blurred against the array of tears, "Arnav, please just stop, it's okay, we'll fix this," she tried to explain.

"No it's not okay, I know it's not fair, I know I've wronged you, in so many ways, so many times... But..." He moved her back, letting their gazes clash once more, as he peered into the depth of her hazel orbs. He needed to tell her this time round, if he stopped, he'd probably never be able to forgive himself. He looked down away from her, gathering his thoughts, pushing back his insecurities, she had to know what he felt. "Khushi..." He let their gazes meet once more as she waited with only the echo of her heartbeats pounding through her ears, not even able to draw breaths for fear that she would miss his words.

"Khushi... I can't live without you.. I love you..." Her eyes widened, he'd said it again and yet again she didn't know how to respond. It was as if time stopped around them, it was only the two of them and the loud beats of their reckless hearts. He moved closer still, his eyes pools of tears, till their noses were almost touching, "... Khushi please don't leave me." His voice faltered with the last words and she couldn't hold it in any longer.

She cupped his face once again, her nimble fingers caressing his hair and for the first time in years she let her heart guide her as she let her tender lips meet his.

He didn't know why it felt so right, so natural, as if the years in between had never happened and this was how they had always been. He was back at that day years ago, when she'd done the same and the chaos in his life had given way to the bubble of happiness that she existed in. His lips moves against hers of heir own accord, his fingers trailing through her hair, his other hand entwined against her waist, holding her closer still.

She was sure she could feel the drizzle of that wet summer day when they had first kissed, when he had broken down his walls for the vey first time. And their tears mingled together as their warms breaths collided against each other as the sky outside darkened and the rain drenched the ground in a deafening downpour against the silhouette of the shimmering moon.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bone
And I will try to fix you...

~
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind. 
- Caroline Myss
~




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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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