Sunday, 22 December 2013

Chapter 17 - Pages of Her Journal


Okay so first off huge apology. I know it's been ages since I last updated and that my updates have been all over the place this year. But I really do have a lot going on. Full time med student plus I work 4am to 8am shifts now too :(... And on top of that my accommodation is in a bit of a state at the moment where I might be looking for a new place to live. *Deep breaths* so yeh as you can see, a lot going on and with all of it, it's just not possible for me to keep my mind in one place or be in a place where I'm comfortable with writing again. But nevertheless, it's still unfair on you guys who have remained so loyal so I'm going to update and see how it goes....

Lyrics credit: Stay with you by Goo Goo Dolls


~
Let's count your scars
- I said
Why?
- She replied
Because then I can see
How many times you needed me
And how many times
I wasn't there. 
- Oisin, Ideas on Ink



The quote used at the start is one I came across on Tumblr: http://apoetwithoutpaper.tumblr.com/


Khushi had to stop, take a deep breath in before she could convince herself to take that first step in and cross that threshold all over again. It awaited her like a storm, the broken pieces of a life she had only barely known. His smell still lingered in the crevices of it's walls and along with it that night all those years ago when they had made love with incoherent words.

A slow tear trailed down her cheeks and she wiped her hand swiftly over it, now was not the time to fall weak. But with every step she could feel her resolve weakening. So many harsh words, so many accusations had been raised in this room and now she didn't know what to make of the fact that she was moving back into it.

They were giving each other another chance, turning new pages in the tattered, old book that was their life but she could feel herself wavering again, she could feel herself breaking apart again.

He walked in just then, stopping mid-step as he watched her back. He was sure his sister was up to something, Anjali never liked to make people uncomfortable, she wouldn't do it if she could help it. So why was she requesting Khushi to move into his room? He didn't question it however, she would manage to convince him of a reason one way or the other, it would just be futile.

He wanted to step forward and take her into an embrace, but he stopped himself. He could feel the edges crumbling once again, there were too many memories in here to torment her.

He walked over to her slowly, till they were breaths apart, till his hand was lingering next to hers.

She turned back quite suddenly, her breath hitching in her throat for a fraction of a second before she managed to compose herself.

He bent down wordlessly, his fingers intertwining around the handle, brushing her soft fingers before she rapidly yanked her hand away. And that pulled at a corner of his heart, that he still made her jump, still made her ache. Their gazes clashed for the smallest of seconds, hazel against charred caramel before he broke away his gaze and walked away with her bag.

They both continued to stand still as time stretched on, their backs facing each other. His hand was still on the handle of the bag and hers balled into small fists. The same thoughts passing through both of their minds.

That they would have to make this work, if not for each other then for the little angel that they had been blessed with, that they had fought for, that they would always continue to fight for.

These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leave me empty still
And I'll, burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
****

Khushi held her bundle of joy close to her heart, till Arshia's eyes had closed and her breathing had become even. Arshia was like her anchor, she felt safe with Arshia close to her, the deep even movements of her little chest putting Khushi's back into rhythm.

Arnav slowly walked over to the door, taking a deep breath in before he opened it, he knew the person on the other side of the door, he'd never had a problem with him all those years ago. But now things were different, now he was the man that had wronged Khushi and Aryan was still her best friend.

He sent his hand around the door knob, bracing himself for all that was to come as something seemed to weight him down with his every movement.

He opened the door to a beaming smile that quickly flattened out to a thin line, before the man in front of him extended his hand for a firm hand shake.

"Aryan," he stated.

"We've met before," Arnav answered, attempting a smile but faltering then let him in.

Aryan slowly took in the lavish interior, if he'd been surprised by the exterior, he was gobsmacked by what he saw now. He'd always known that Arnav had to be rich and of course along with that he'd expected him to be the arsehole he'd eventually shown himself to be.

"Khushi's upstairs, I'll just get her for you, why don't you have a seat," Arnav almost mumbled before he made a run for it. Aryan and his judging gaze made him feel uncomfortable.

---

Khushi finished laying Arshia down in her cot when she heard his footsteps at the door, spending a few more seconds watching the serene face of her baby she turned around to face him, almost immediately taking in his turmoil. His charred caramel orbs were troubled, his hands clenched in fists as was usually the case when he was worried or hassled.

He lowered his gaze quickly, "Aryan's here, he's downstairs, so..." He mumbled as she began to walk over towards him.

It took a lot for Khushi to stop herself from walking over and embracing Arnav, she knew how much he hurt and how much he regretted all that he'd done, but there was a lot left to be done before she would take that step. She knew he wouldn't be comfortable with Aryan around, hell, Aryan and Arnav had never liked each other, but there was no one else that Khushi could trust with this. She didn't want Shyam buying off their lawyer too.

Fooled by my own desires
I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me towards the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

****

She'd lost a lot of weight, her features more angular than he could remember, but her eyes were still piercing and she felt light in his embrace, he plastered a large smile on his face before she looked at him again.

"Well... You look... Different," he smiled, making Khushi's smile widen before she broke into a light giggle, the corners of her eyes crinkling.

"And look who hasn't changed at all," she stated, thankful for the atmosphere that Aryan always carried around with him.

"Well I hope I have, don't you think I've lost weight?" He questioned then, his eyebrows meeting together in that awkward way as he obsessed over himself.

Khushi nodded, still giggling, "no you have you have, you've lost weight, you look ravishing... Would you like any more compliments or are we done for the day?" She questioned jokingly, placing her hand on his arm, gesturing for him to take a seat.

Arnav watched for a few seconds, taking in their camaraderie, the smile that he may never be able to put on Khushi's face again then slowly faded into the shadows before he turned around and walked off, his hands clenched at his sides.

Khushi too looked up suddenly, it was strange how she could still sense his every turbulence, his restlessness, her eyes searched around for him, already knowing that he had walked away.

****

Khushi walked into their room slowly, taking her time to process all that her and Aryan had talked about. It would be difficult to encourage Aryan to even like Arnav again, and she'd known this all along but she suspected it would now be even more difficult to bring Arnav out of his shell. She remembered how much Aryan had hated Arnav when they'd first started dating, and now after all that had happened, convincing Aryan would be an impossible task. But that wasn't her priority.

He stood with his back to her, he knew she was there, but refused to turn around, not yet anyway. His hands were in his pockets as he looked out at the shimmering moon, a thousand conflicts passing through his mind. He felt like he was going to lose her again, her fingertips clinging onto the ends of his then breaking away. He gulped, as the anxiety returned, the fear of what the future would hold, what it would take away.

She walked over to him, as he slowly turned around, causing her to stop mid-step, their gazes clashing and holding.

"Aryan wanted to talk to the both of us," she began then, "he felt the sooner we start..."

He nodded then began walking towards her before she could finish her sentence.

--

Aryan didn't make an effort to hide his distaste towards Arnav, there was no need to. This man had single-handedly ruined the very foundations of Khushi's life. He'd warned her but she hadn't listen and of course it was too late now.

He watched as Arnav evaded his gaze, all but too similarly to how he had evaded all of his responsibilities.

Khushi sat fidgeting, her index finger playing against her thumb as she took deep breaths in and out. She knew what was coming next and she didn't want to look at Arnav, think about what it would put him through. And the worst part of it was that she would have to do this, there was no other way.

"Okay so Khushi's already told me about why you want me fighting this case and I am more than happy to, actually it would be my privilege. But before I go ahead, I need to know everything, from the beginning till now. Don't miss out a single detail, this will all be important," he explained as Arnav's head snapped up. He looked shaken, his charred caramel orbs clouded, before he dropped his gaze, gulping back his fears and bracing himself for what was to come.

"Khushi," Aryan allowed Khushi to begin.

She looked away before she began, taking a deep breath in.

"After Arnav asked me to leave I had no where to turn to," she mumbled, already feeling the low sting of tears in her eyes.

He clenched his hands into fists, gulping, staring at his feet.

"So I gathered the money that I had somehow saved till then and moved into a room in a chawl."

He scrunched his eyes shut, as he dug his fingers into his flesh.

"Of course I didn't know that I was pregnant then," she stated then looked towards Aryan, "and nor did Arnav," she wanted to let the both of them know that she didn't blame Arnav, that the decision had been hers.

"And when I finally found out I didn't know how to tell him," she mumbled as Aryan nodded back at her. "And the more I put it off the more I felt it was too late to tell him."

Arnav turned around to watch the side of her face then, the speckles of tears that already shone in her eyes and he felt his heart give way a little. She was still protecting him, protecting his mistakes. The truth was he'd scared her off, belittled her, so why would she have wanted to tell him anyway? If he'd been in her place he wouldn't have told a man like him either. All he had given Khushi were tears, so why would she think him capable of giving their child anything else? And he knew Aryan saw through her words, Aryan knew he was a monster.

"I kept to myself and got a job as an admin assistant at a doctor's surgery and I attended my check-ups regularly," she began again. "The first doctor I saw changed on my second check-up."

"What was his name again?" Aryan questioned, quickly interrupting.

"Dr Das," she stated before she began again, she could feel her voice giving her tears away.

"I fainted at work because I hadn't yet taken maternity leave and they had taken me to the hospital. They asked me for my consent for a caesarian, I asked them several times if my baby would be okay, if she would survive," her voice broke then, and the tears finally began to trail down her face.

Arnav moved forward in his chair before he stopped himself. It killed him to watch her sob like that, her every tear seared through his heart.

"And they told me she would, so I agreed," she spoke through her tears. "But then I woke up," she finally turned towards Arnav, hazel orbs against caramel spheres, taking him by surprise. "And they told me she hadn't survived, that my baby had died," her sobs were louder and he couldn't stop himself any longer. He stood up and went to sit next to her, taking her into his embrace.

"They told me she was dead..." She looked up towards him again, burying herself into his chest, "I thought, it..."

"Shhh... Shhhh," he hushed her, letting her tears soak into his shirt, "shh it's okay, she's okay, we're okay," he consoled her, sending his fingers through her hair as she shed her tears against him, her body shaking within his embrace.

"I didn't know..." She struggled with her words as they collided off of her tears, "I didn't know what to do, how to fix things." His embrace tightened around her, he wanted to desperately fix things, everything.

She looked up at him once more, "I didn't know how to move on," she mumbled and he had to avert his eyes. He hated himself, at that moment more than he had ever hated himself before because now he knew exactly what he had put her through and for that he never deserved her again.

Aryan watched quietly, giving them space, taken aback by Arnav's gesture. He hadn't seen that coming and although he was still not convinced, he decided to at least give Arnav a chance.

He held her till her sobs had seized, till she straightened up and he loosened his embrace. She looked away from him then but made an effort not to move. She wanted to stay engulfed in his warmth.

"I wanted to just get away, begin again," she said, her fingers entangling through Arnav's of their own accord.

"So I called up Lavanya and she helped me move to London, let me stay at her place until I could sort myself out..." She looked up at Arnav once more, "and then Arnav found me again," she finished off, squeezing his hand gently as he looked down at her once more, then away again, attempting a small smile.

"So what happened on your end Arnav, Shyam contacted you am I right?" Aryan questioned, letting his gaze linger over Arnav, as he flickered his gaze away and back to Aryan, making Aryan perfectly aware that the question made Arnav uncomfortable.

Khushi squeezed his hand again, gently smiling at him, she knew how difficult this would be for him, Arnav was never one to display emotions.

He swallowed before he began, his throat had suddenly become parched. He focused his gaze on Aryan once more, returning to the only demeanour of his that he knew would not betray him.

"I was getting ready for work when I first got Shyam's phone call," he began, his voice cold and devoid of emotion and all Khushi wanted to do was hold him, let him shed his tears, scream and tell him to stop keeping things in. He was ASR again and she hated that, hated that that would hurt him more.

"He told me he had my child, that if I didn't pay a ransom then I wouldn't get her back. I didn't know what to do, up till then I.. I hadn't even known that Khushi had been pregnant and it didn't even make sense. It had only been seven months since she'd left me," he stated, Khushi could hear the notes in his voice faltering, she watched his stern face, his set jaw, and for the first time she witnessed in him the same person that had existed before she had left, she saw the face of the man that had asked her to leave.

"The baby was premature," Aryan added as Arnav nodded back.

"I'd already made a mistake, so I didn't want to make another one so I went with gut instinct and and decided to do something about it anyway. After all, if it wasn't my child then it was still someone else's, it was still a child," he stated matter of factly.

Khushi continued to watch him, the stern lines of his face, the way his eyes gave his emotions away and in that moment she knew that he had never stopped loving her because she had seen him take on this same persona every single time he had spoken to her in the first months of their marriage. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes again, this time for her misunderstandings.

"So I called up the police, gathered the money. Shyam is cunning yes, but he is greedy for money and that is his downfall," Arnav stated, allowing his gaze to meet Aryan's once more. "We had the place surrounded when I went in with the money and the police caught him red handed," he finished off, relieved to see the end of it.

Khushi watched him for a few seconds longer then suddenly tore away from him. His head snapped around towards her, his brows knotting together, it taking him only a second to notice the tears that adorned her face. He stood up suddenly, his arm stretched out towards her but she'd already turned around, her feet already rapidly taking her away from him.

She ferociously wiped at her cheeks as she ran up the stairs, into their room and banged the door shut, slipping down against the door onto the floor as she covered her eyes and cried. She had been so wrong.

Now come in from this storm
I taste you sweet and warm
Take what you need
Take what you need from me

Wake up this world
Wake up tonight
And run with me
Run to me now

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
~
Sometimes I'm terrified
Of my heart; of its constant
hunger for whatever it is
it wants. The way it stops
and starts.
- Edgar Allan Poe
~

 

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Chapter 16 - Bearings

Chapter song: Demons by Imagine Dragons


~
And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.
- Lucy Christopher, Stolen: A Letter to My Captor
~


She cupped his face once again, her nimble fingers caressing his hair and for the first time in years she let her heart guide her as she let her tender lips meet his.

He didn't know why it felt so right, so natural, as if the years in between had never happened and this was how they had always been. He was back at that day years ago, when she'd done the same and the chaos in his life had given way to the bubble of happiness that she existed in. His lips moves against hers of heir own accord, his fingers trailing through her hair, his other hand entwined against her waist, holding her closer still.

She was sure she could feel the drizzle of that wet summer day when they had first kissed, when he had broken down his walls for the vey first time. And their tears mingled together as their warms breaths collided against each other as the sky outside darkened and the rain drenched the ground in a deafening downpour against the silhouette of the shimmering moon.

He moved away slowly, his heartbeat still rapid in his chest, his fingers trailing down then moving off of her face gradually as he let their gazes meet once more. Let their every tormented emotion and embedded within them the little twinkles of happiness collide and converse between themselves. She let her fingers trail down his arms and finally meet his hands and she was sure that time had stopped, that it was just the both of them in their perfect melancholy, where their pasts were all but forgotten and their futures weren't already written. 

But he took a step back slowly, it taking him a few seconds to find the function in his own limbs as he let his eyes hover over her gentle face for a while longer and his fingertips brushed hers then fell away. Frightened as he was to break the fragile beauty of it, he had to straighten out the muddled haze of emotions in his mind, suddenly he was numb, shaken and he needed to get his thoughts straight. 

She felt the beautiful flutter of her heart quickly give way to dismay as her thoughts once again began to fog the intentions of her heart as she tried to gulp down her impending fears and keep herself calm. But not before he turned around abruptly and began to walk away and not before she'd caught that minuscule second of shock in his features and although she wasn't sure what to make out of it, she had to clench her fists in order to prevent herself from screaming out loud. Had she gone too far? Had they ruined it all over again? 

****

Khushi fell back down onto her bed, her thoughts lost in the storm that was now brewing in her head. She had to close her eyes and take several breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. This had always been their story, of broken promises and shattered attempts. She'd walked away when he'd extended his hand then he'd broken her all over again when she'd finally extended hers. And now she didn't know what to do.

Things had been going perfectly fine until the police had turned up at their doorstep. It was never easy to stamp away a hatred that you had nurtured within you for so long. She'd hated him for so long in so many different ways that she herself didn't know the endless possibilities that this could all end in. And she could never track his unpredictable behaviour, one second he'd be seeking comfort, breaking down his walls and the next he'd be walking away, leaving her feeling like dirt, used and trodden on. She didn't understand, couldn't think straight, there was so much at stake, there was Arshia and then there was that monster of a man; Shyam.

She was drowning in her own emotions and tormented thoughts, lost in a place where she didn't know her place anymore, where she didn't have a side or a choice. It was like she was walking back and forth, blindly between two dead ends, in a box, trying to find a way out when really there wasn't one.

She gulped back the anger, the disappointment, the anguish, her every feeling trying to make way for her otherwise orderly thoughts, but it was an impossible task. He was driving her crazy.

Her eyes snapped open suddenly and she looked up as someone knocked on her door. It took her a minute for her eyes to actually focus and fall upon him and then the soft bundle that was her baby in his arms. She didn't know what it was but the sight of her seemed to alleviate her off of her every nightmare.

She didn't look at him though, he was playing with her mind and her emotions and she was no longer aware of what to think or to feel.

--

He watched her for a few seconds, the frown lines on her forehead, her large hazel orbs that were slightly glazed over. He knew what he was doing to her, that whilst he was drawing her closer he was also driving her away but he had been used to this for so long that now that she was finally giving him a chance he didn't know what to make of it, didn't know if he deserved it.

He took another step in then hesitated, watching her carefully formed features to see if there would even be a seconds flicker of change, of anger. He needed to tread carefully, he had already messed everything up.

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth 
I wanna shelter you 
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

He sat beside her as she still continued to evade his gaze, placing Arshia down till she was already moving towards Khushi, demanding to be held. He gulped back the despair within him, that yearning that he would also one day earn that right.

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Khushi began to speak then, before he could even begin to try and voice his own words. Her arms were around Arshia and somehow that seemed to give her the strength to speak. "Remember Arnav, when we were able to look each other in the eye and share our deepest of feelings?" She questioned, her voice not as loud as he was used to, almost as if she was speaking to herself. He had to look away from her, she still hadn't looked his way but he'd always been able to read her.

"Before all of our misunderstandings, before life got in the way?" Her voice broke as she spoke those last few words and she looked to him then, meeting his equally glazed over caramel orbs.

He nodded slowly, his hand moving to hers of its own accord.

She gulped back her tears before she spoke again, "I miss that you know?" The innocence in her soft spoken question pulled at his every heartstring. They had lost a lot over the years, between the war of their own hearts, they'd lost everything.

His fingers tightened on her hand, fitting into the spaces between her fingers like they always had. He continued to watch her, not quite sure of what to say. What should he say, that he missed it too? As equally and irrevocably as she did? Or apologise for his mistakes? For his every wrong decision? Or would he give her better promises? Promise to never break those promises? He swallowed hard, he was slowly but surely falling back into that place again where his mind didn't let him speak and he'd then get up and walk away like the coward he was.

They almost didn't hear the knock and Anjali had to tighten her fist and attempt a second time before Arnav finally snapped out of his thoughts and looked up. "Chotey, erm... I hope I'm not disturbing but I have those print outs that you had asked Aman for," she finally managed to tell him.

He stood up then, glad for the distraction, glad that it didn't end in him having to walk off and shatter her expectations again.

Whilst she turned around, one of her hands gently engulfing one of Arshia's small fists as she quickly wiped the tear that ran down her cheek, composing herself all over again.

When the curtain's call 
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't want to let you down 
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth

Nodding slowly and understanding, it not taking long for her to recognise the burning souls of her brother's eyes she walked away, leaving him still standing at the door, his fingers crumpling away the edges of the paper. It hurt her to see him like that, the foundations of her brother and Khushi's relationship lay on such ruins that even they did not know how to fix it.

Gathering her pallu she began to slowly make her way downstairs, she'd have to do something before it all ended in burned embers once more.

--

He walked back towards her, the papers clutched to his chest then as her gaze met his, sat down.

"I erm..." Arnav swallowed trying to sort out his haywire thoughts, there was something he had to fix first, there was a mess that he had to pull her out of and pull her out he would. "I have a couple of things that I wanted to go through with you," he finally began, adopting the only composure that was no longer foreign to him.

She watched on, listening intently as that business tone of his returned, not sure if she was grateful or not that they hadn't both ended up in tears once again. She didn't want him retreating into his own shell again.

"I figured if you were convinced into thinking that Arshia was..." He struggled with his words, he didn't want to lose himself to the fury that he felt at what the bastard had done, "I mean..." He had to momentarily close his eyes, he would have never wanted to be in her shoes.

She sent her hand over his then, giving it a gentle squeeze till he looked back up and she nodded, she didn't want to put him through the torture of actually saying it.

"Then obviously Shyam would have had to employ someone at the hospital," he finally finished off, searching her eyes as she furrowed her brows together, her hold over his hand tightening.

"Actually, the doctor I first went to meet for a check-up changed after about a month," she began to speak as she recalled the events then. She stood up, still holding Arshia close to her heart then walked over to the window as his gaze followed her.

"I thought it was a bit odd at the beginning I'm sure, but..." She sighed remembering it all, not wishing that part of her life really existed, "with everything that was going on I didn't think too much into it," she finally mumbled.

He stood up then and went to stand beside her, taking in the small hand that Arshia extended his way then watched the gentle smile that spread across his little angels face. He took Arshia from her then, passing over the papers that he had held to her as she frowned down at them.

"I had your reports sent over, is that the name of the first or second doctor?" He asked her as she read and re-read over the document.

She looked up to him suddenly, her eyes large, "no Arnav, this is Dr Mehta, he was the first doctor, the second one had a different name... What was it?" She began to rack her brain for the answer, she knew it somewhere! "Yes Dr Das! Oh my god Arnav!" She stated, her hand over her mouth as she slid back down onto the bed.

****

Anjali hobbled over to the phone, their home phone rarely rang and it was usually always only for business calls anyway when it did.

She picked it up on the fourth ring, already ready to call Arnav over when she recognised the raspy voice on the other end. Prison had probably done that to him, but she still recognised it. She tightened her grip on the receiver, ready to slam it back down when he began to speak.

"Now there Rani Sahiba, don't you want to listen to what I have to say?" He questioned, keeping his voiced veiled with innocence as deceiving as ever. "I only want to meet you, see your beautiful face once, won't you even give me the pleasure of that?" Her eyes widened, he was in jail! He was supposed to be in jail!

"Where are you?!" She demanded then.

He cackled back in return, his manic laugh echoing through her ears, "arrey Rani Sahiba for that you'd have to meet me," he finally stated.

"Fine!" She gave in, "where do I meet you?"

****

"Khushi?" He finally awakened his voice to ask of her what he had been dreading, it wouldn't be easy for her but there wasn't another way around it. She watched him intently, the varying emotions that flickered through his face.

"We need to hand this over to a lawyer, well I already have but you need to tell him everything from the beginning," he told her, trying to make out the expressions on her face.

"Actually Arnav, I know someone that I can completely trust, would it be okay if we hand the case over to him instead?" She said suddenly, taking him completely by surprise.

"Err... Of course... I mean why not? When can erm..." He wavered with his words till she finished his sentence off for him.

"He, you used to know him, I don't know if you still remember him," she continued, "Aryan," she finished off. "I can call him right now, then we can tell him together?" She questioned placing her hand atop his as he stared into her eyes for a moment, taking it all in then slowly nodded.

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes they shine so bright
I want to save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

She knew that nod, that was his I'm not happy but I'll agree anyway nod and just like so many things about Arnav, it was yet another aspect of him that she could just read, it would only take one glance to know. And maybe more than anything else that's what she hated, that despite knowing each other so well they had still brought all of this upon each other.

It was like one of those tv soaps that never continued its episodes. She hated the fact that he'd do something, take her completely by surprise then walk away and pretend that it never happened, when really they are both aware that it did. And that was the impossibility of it all, that she wanted him to catch her heart and keep it when he never seemed to understand in the first place what she expected of him.

She watched as he took Arshia's hand then smiled back at her, these were the moments that she could not escape, that she would never be able to walk away from. She watched as Arshia hit his face with her chubby little hands and he gently held them as he laughed, small laugh lines creasing around his eyes. There were only two forms of Arnav that she would never be able to muster enough strength within her to hate, the Arnav that she had first met and fallen head over heels for; the one that had opened his heart, broken down his walls and built them up again around her, never really letting her leave. And the other was undoubtedly the man that sat in front of her now, Arnav the father, she would never be able to hate a man that loved so tenderly and maybe she would always be misfortunate enough to never be on the other end of it.

They were both watching each other but not completely aware, both lost in their own thoughts. He'd misjudged her once, but he'd always known her, her pure soul and that's what hurt him the most. The fact that he had let such a vile creature like Shyam poison his mind. He could've thought through things, weighed the Khushi he knew over the Khushi he'd been led to hate but it was too late now, he'd done his bit. And now he didn't know how to fix it, how to embrace her and never let her go, how to keep his insecurities from driving him further away. They were so broken and shattered that it seemed even if repairable their cracks would still show. And maybe that's why he didn't have to courage to stay, maybe he wasn't ready to accept that they would never be perfect again and maybe that's why he'd always take the easy route and walk away. And maybe just maybe, above everything he was scared that he'd hurt her all over again.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

****

Anjali stopped Khushi before she swiftly cut out of her way again.

"Khushi ji!" She shouted, waving her over.

"Yes di?"

"Woh actually na Khushi ji, your room is being renovated, along with Arshia's," Anjali began as Khushi frowned, not understanding where this was going.

Anjali gave her that beaming smile of hers as she continued, "I mean I know it's inconvenient but we didn't know you were coming and it would take months before I could get it fixed again," she continued to ramble on.

"That's okay di, I'll move into a different room," Khushi cut off, reassuring her.

Anjali bit her lip, "that's the thing Khushiji, all of the rooms are being renovated except for Chotey's and Nani's. I'm moving into Nani's so..." She trailed off the end of the sentence as Khushi continued to stare back at her with her eyes wide.

"Erm would it be okay, I mean if it's not then I can get something else sorted, I mean I can postpone of course," she continued as if she was talking to herself until Khushi placed her hands on Anjali's shoulders.

She smiled at Anjali's confused face, it wasn't as easy as she'd imagined to hate Anjali. She nodded slowly, "I'll move into Arnav's room."


How did we come to this? I never though you'd be someone I have to miss. 
- Julia Sheer, You Will Never Be
~

Lyrics Credit: Demons by Imagine Dragons


Sunday, 12 May 2013

Chapter 15 - Catch Me... Don't Break Me





~

I saw the sadness in your eyes but I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would take your pain away so I kept on saying in my head, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
- unknown
~


"I want you to help me Arnav," she finally mumbled as she quickly lifted his head up to look at her, his eyes raw and red, scorching caramel orbs clashing against glazed puddles of hazel.

He watched her for a few seconds, not sure he had heard the right words, his thoughts a mess as words spinned around in his head. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath in, bracing himself to say something, anything but words failed to come to him. He scrunched strands of the carpet in his fingers then looked away.

She continued to watch him. her own eyes pooling with unshed tears, her insecurities quickly setting in, the door that she had opened beginning to shut of its own accord.

Gulping back tears and attempting to collect his already scattered thoughts he quickly stood up as Khushi swiftly followed but he didn't glance at her more than once, he needed to get away before she saw his vulnerable side once more and he said or did something that would either hurt him or her.

She watched his back as he left, his long stride, his gaze trained in the distance, his set jaw, wishing she could take back the words that she had offered.

****

Khushi fell onto her bed, her weak legs giving way underneath her, the emotional turmoil hitting her in torrents and waves. This is what always happened, he'd let her in then shun her back out again. Just as she'd open his door a crack, he'd push her back a mile. She couldn't deal with this anymore, with him, with Shyam, with the case.

She looked around suddenly, then remembered she'd left Arshia in her room, she got up to go to her then. She needed to escape her torturous thoughts, of making decisions then regretting them and her little angel was the only way out. The only ounce of oblivion in the dark abyss that was her own mind. Sighing and finally mustering up the courage to get herself up she began to slowly walk out of her room, her footsteps silent, the thumping of her heart echoing in her ears. Why couldn't she ever understand him, why couldn't things ever be normal?

Her eyes fell on the slither of light then, that seemed to emanate from the distance behind her. She turned around slowly, her tears choking her throat and her vision blurry from gathered tears, her eyes first falling on the glimmering moon that shone through the large french doors and finally falling upon the dark silhouette that stood against it.

****

He tried to drown it out, prevent the tears from shedding but he was fighting a rapidly losing battle. His emotions continued to overpower him as he attempted to contain his selfish thoughts at bay. Khushi wasn't wrong, in fact he'd wronged her, so many times in so many ways and now he was just pushing her further away, forcing her to question opinions that she'd formed when in reality he'd lost that right a long time back. It's not like he didn't understand, how difficult it was to come to terms with the fact that he was trying to change but it didn't mean that it lessened the pain. His fingers tightened on the wooden edges of the french doors as he attempted to push away the pain, as it seared through his own body no matter how much he tried to control his faltering mind.

She walked up behind him slowly, her feet light on the floor as she tried to take in his trembling body. She tried to hold herself together as her mind continued to question the rash decisions of her heart, trying to withhold the battle between herself as she moved further forward to offer solace to the man she couldn't stop falling for, feeling for.

He wanted to ram his fist through the glass, let the glass shatter and pierce his skin, scrunching his eyes shut he tried to drown out those thoughts. The destructive images that made him the person that she despised, that she would never confide in again. He wanted so desperately to be there for her, this was his doing after all. If just this once, if only she would let him.

She took a deep breath in, bracing herself for what was to come, still unsure of whether she should or not. She could see it replay over and over again on her mind; his distant expression, blazing caramel orbs that gave everything yet nothing away as he searched hers for answers and then finally the unavoidable, as he'd turned away and walked off, leaving her to drown in her own thoughts once more. But she'd keep giving him chances, because she was like clay and he could always mould her to his liking. "Stop it! Stop it Khushi!" She thought to herself, if she didn't take this, she would forever tell herself off for not doing it, so she finally decided, she would.

His eyes snapped open, his breath hitching in his throat as he felt her gentle palm fall upon his shoulders, as her fingers familiarised themselves with the curve of his shoulder, her nails scraping against the fabric of his shirt. Time froze around him as he attempted to understand.

She kept her eyes closed, not knowing what to do next, fearing for his reaction.

He didn't allow himself to think, let his heart guide him for once. He turned around quickly, his arms all but too familiar to the slender curves of her body.

Her eyes opened quickly, widening in surprise as his strong body collided into hers, his arms quickly yet gently wrapping around her. Her own arms moved up his back of their own accord as his fingers grasped the thin material of her blouse, as he buried his head into her neck and she felt the first flush of warm tears tinge her skin.

She grasped him tighter then, her eyes closing of their own accord as one of her hands moved upto his hair, running her fingers softly through it, attempting to hush the trembling body that she now embraced and slow tears began to stream down her own face.

And tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

His fingers tightened on her back as his warm tears caressed the gentle expanse of her neck, as their bodies mingled together in a long forgotten embrace.

"I'm so sorry Khushi! I'm so sorry!"

There it was, his broken words and she had to tighten her eyes closed as she clung onto him as if for dear life, her nails digging into his back. Her walls were breaking, shattering in front of her and this time she didn't even stop them.

"I'm so sorry!" He kept saying it, he had no other words to offer to her, no other ways of making it up to her. He was breaking apart but he didn't care. He was back in that place again, where his mind lost control of his heart and let it act irrationally yet truthfully, where he didn't hold back. His fingers further tightened on her skin, his body shaking with the torrent of emotions rushing through him, "I'm so sorry," he continued to mumble.

She continued to hold him in their embrace, her every other fear forgotten, as she pushed his head further into the space of her neck. She wanted to comfort him, it seemed an automatic reaction, there was nothing in the world that she wanted to do more than comfort him.

"Arnav, shhh, shhh, it's okay," she began to whisper, it was as if she had lost all sense of what was wrong and right. In that moment she wanted to forget everything, forgive him completely. She couldn't find anything within her to oppose her feelings, to just love and comfort him. "Shhh Arnav, it's okay, I'm here, we're okay,"

"I'm so sorry Khushi, I... I don't know, I don't know what else to say, to do. I can't do this anymore Khushi," his voice was broken, a whisper, he couldn't stop himself breaking down and this time he couldn't suppress the feelings that he had for so long. He just wanted to tell her.

"Arnav, it's okay," she ran her fingers through the waves of his hair, gulping back tears that choked her voice as more sprang to the forefront. "Shhh, baby... Shh, it's okay," she tried to comfort him.

He crushed her further into himself, letting all of his worries go and break lose, this was torture, he was being selfish but he didn't know what else to do.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"Khushi...."

"Shhh... Shhhh," she hushed him, pushing him back out of the embrace and cupping his face in her hands, she had to take a deep breath in to prevent herself from unravelling as she stroked her thumbs over the trails of tears on his cheeks, losing herself momentarily in his scorching caramel eyes.

"Khushi..." He brought his hands to her face, resting his forehead against hers as he tried to hold himself together, but faltered all over again. "Khushi... I can't... I can't imagine a life without you..." He mumbled.

It was as her heart stopped all of a sudden, she didn't know for how long she had waited for him to say this, to stop her, to tell her that he needed her and now suddenly, at a time when she least expected it, it was all coming out.

"I know I don't deserve you, for what I've done...." She pushed him back slightly, shaking her head as she tried to stop him but he only continued.

"No let me, please Khushi, otherwise I'll never be able to say it again and I'll curse myself for it for the rest of my life," he reasoned.

She slid her hands down to his wrists holding onto them as their gazes met and held, their faces blurred against the array of tears, "Arnav, please just stop, it's okay, we'll fix this," she tried to explain.

"No it's not okay, I know it's not fair, I know I've wronged you, in so many ways, so many times... But..." He moved her back, letting their gazes clash once more, as he peered into the depth of her hazel orbs. He needed to tell her this time round, if he stopped, he'd probably never be able to forgive himself. He looked down away from her, gathering his thoughts, pushing back his insecurities, she had to know what he felt. "Khushi..." He let their gazes meet once more as she waited with only the echo of her heartbeats pounding through her ears, not even able to draw breaths for fear that she would miss his words.

"Khushi... I can't live without you.. I love you..." Her eyes widened, he'd said it again and yet again she didn't know how to respond. It was as if time stopped around them, it was only the two of them and the loud beats of their reckless hearts. He moved closer still, his eyes pools of tears, till their noses were almost touching, "... Khushi please don't leave me." His voice faltered with the last words and she couldn't hold it in any longer.

She cupped his face once again, her nimble fingers caressing his hair and for the first time in years she let her heart guide her as she let her tender lips meet his.

He didn't know why it felt so right, so natural, as if the years in between had never happened and this was how they had always been. He was back at that day years ago, when she'd done the same and the chaos in his life had given way to the bubble of happiness that she existed in. His lips moves against hers of heir own accord, his fingers trailing through her hair, his other hand entwined against her waist, holding her closer still.

She was sure she could feel the drizzle of that wet summer day when they had first kissed, when he had broken down his walls for the vey first time. And their tears mingled together as their warms breaths collided against each other as the sky outside darkened and the rain drenched the ground in a deafening downpour against the silhouette of the shimmering moon.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bone
And I will try to fix you...

~
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind. 
- Caroline Myss
~




Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Important Note


Hi guys!

Okay, so firstly I want to apologise for all of the really late updates. Uni has been extremely hectic lately, I'm a med student and we are usually in most days from 9-5 and on top of that I've really been lagging behind with my notes this year.

So *deep breaths* *don't throw chappals and tamatars at me* I am putting all of my FFs on hold till the 27th of April (which is when I finish my exams).

So till then, I'm extremely sorry but as you will all hopefully understand, as much as I would love to continue to update, my mind right now is completely occupied with the amount of work that I have to get through.

Now once I come back, there will be slight changes.

1. Paper Roses will probably be moved to its blog.
The reason for this is, I have recently found out that derogatory language like "f***" and "s***" can only be used once in an update. The language is part of the characters so in order that I not compromise this, it will be taken off and left on its blog.
Don't worry though, as with SOSD I don't make my blogs private so if you don't already have the link, you'll just have to PM me for it.

2. The ASR-KKG Files will have updates again. I've neglected this FF for months now, so yes it'll finally begin to get updates.

3. SOSD is nearing it's end ;). I have it all planned out and it will end in *fingers crossed* exactly 50 chapters.

4.... But no worries, for those of you that have stood by SOSD thank you so much! And for all of the new readers that have found out about it, God knows how :P. Thank you to you too! SOSD is extremely close to my heart so there will be a sequel of sorts to it *does a little dance*. Sequel because Arundathi will be there ;) (Shinja! ;)) but the characters will be darker, or lighter, there will only be two that will be in the middle ;). It will be more intense. So don't worry you won't be left hanging ;) xx

Okay so that's about it I guess. I am going to attempt a WTP update before I stop updating till the 27th... But it's proving extremely difficult so no guarantees!

Thank you for being patient with me and hopefully you guys won't abandon me and will remain my lovely readers when I come back too! :) xxx

Friday, 1 February 2013

Chapter 14 - I Will Come For You



~
I will come for you. Roll my strength into a ball for you. Throw myself across chance for you. I will be the bridge or the pulley because you are the dream.
- Jeanette Winterson, The World and Other Places
~



She managed to awaken herself from that lost state where her coherent thoughts where lost in a heap somewhere. She looked up towards him, his frozen features and felt herself losing all sense of control.

"Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada you are under arrest on the charges of accessory to kidnap of Arshia Singh Raizada," the officers words rang through her mind and she began to furiously shake her head, tears flowing out of her eyes.

She tried to break away from the police officers grasp, she grabbed his arm, shaking it as she screamed, "no! NO! Arnav you know this isn't true! You know I would never! I didn't even know that she was alive!" But he would not move, he seemed frozen to the spot, his eyes distant. "Please!" She begged the woman that was now sending handcuffs around her wrists, "please she's my child why would I do that to my child?" She reasoned but to no avail. They dragged her out of the doorway as she continued to look back at him but to garner no response from his stone set eyes.

"Chotey! Chotey!" Anjali screamed just then running towards him with Arshia in her arms. "Chotey!" She tried again but he didn't seem to be capable of moving, she heard an engine roar to life, muffled screams and her eyes widened in horror. Where was Khushi?

"Chotey!" She screamed again, quickly moving towards him and shaking him by the shoulder but she couldn't snap him out of his state.

His heart was pounding away in his chest, a face, words, visions, the past, all flashing through his mind in riveting snippets. He seemed lost somewhere, falling through an expanse of memories and nightmares that he didn't know how to escape from. He couldn't bring his limbs to move.

Mamma! Mamma! Please!

He remembered screams, a lifeless body, his short comings.

Khushi! Khushi!

Then Khushi, her body limp on the floor.

He stilled suddenly, feeling this strange feeling of warmth seep through his fingers, breaking him out of his torturous memories.

"Pappa," he heard the gentle words as if it was a softly whispered kiss. He felt blood rush back into his veins then felt his body going cold once again as dread filled him completely. It was as if he had been sucked into a black hole then churned back out again. His throat felt parched, dry and he was sure he was suffocating from the inside. "Khushi..." It was an uttered whisper as the events of the present finally came back to him.

"Chotey!" Anjali shook him again, her brows furrowed in anger but to no avail. Fear engulfed him completely as he strode out as if in a daze then broke into a run.

****

"No please, I didn't, I wouldn't!" She exclaimed as the woman pulled her further into the twisted confines of the jail. "How can you say this, you have no evidence!" Khushi screamed, her sobs had subsided to fury. Rage scorched through every vein in her body. Why did her fate do this to her time and time again, just when she had decided on giving in and letting go of the past, of forgiving him it had spat this on her face.

She attempted to claw herself away from the woman, her wrists struggling and cutting off of the ragged cold edges of the cuffs but she did not feel the pain, only anger and hatred. She hated him! Hated him for doing this to her, for making her believe then throwing her on the ground and walking all over her. She hated herself for being putty in his hands, like a mindless puppet that fell for him everytime. She'd make her heart agree to her thoughts then fail all over again. She should have taken Arshia and left.

She couldn't get it out of her mind, his betrayal to the love that she always offered his way. She couldn't forget it, his cold gaze, his frozen features, how he refused to respond to her cries, how he had ignored her as she begged him to listen to him.

Angry tears spurted out of her blood red eyes as she struggled.

"If you know any better you would stop this and listen to what we are saying," the woman threatened as Khushi stopped for a second and stared at her with wide eyes, undiluted fury pouring out of every pore in her body.

"How dare you accuse me of having a hand in kidnapping my own daughter?!" She screamed then, refusing to let her be pulled an inch from where she was standing.

"Mrs Raizada!" The police officer warned, "if you don't abide to the rules you will be in even bigger a mess than you already are, disgusting women like you don't even deserve to have children!" She remarked, mocking her furthermore.

"Excuse me?! How dare you? Firstly it's MISS Gupta and secondly I have not done any such thing! You keep your mouth shut before I sue you for inappropriate behaviour!" She exclaimed, her eyes level with the womans, refusing to back down.

She lunged forward suddenly, grabbing Khushi by the neck, her nails digging into her soft flesh as Khushi winced back in pain yet refused to lower her gaze, seething with anger.

She thrust her back suddenly, causing Khushi to fumble against her steps before she regained her balance and took a threatening step towards the hideous woman. She was going to end this here, she'd had enough of being bullied around and being taken for emotional rides and this police woman had caught her at the wrong time. Her nostrils flared with anger, her hair in a messy array around her face.

Another woman grabbed her from behind then, grasping her arms in a tight, painful grip, restraining her back as the other woman took a step towards her, raising her arm, her hand ready to land upon Khushi's face with a smack when a large masculine hand suddenly stopped it mid-air.

Khushi's chest heaved as adrenaline pumped through her veins and she scrunched her eyes shut, turning her face to the side reflexively awaiting the blow. She waited for what felt like hours, her whole body numb.

The woman's eyes clashed with his blazing caramel orbs, alight with fury that seemed to radiate from every inch of him, the muscles of his face trembling, his nostrils flaring, his jaw set in anger. His grasp tightened around her arm, enough to break bone as he flung it away from Khushi. She opened her mouth to speak but he cut in before her.

"HOW DARE YOU RAISE YOUR HAND ON MY WIFE?!" He exclaimed even causing the woman to take a few steps back.

She heard him almost as if he was speaking from a far away place as she began to open her eyes slowly, quickly feeling the strong hold on her arms loosen.

"Aparna! Unlock her handcuffs she's been granted bail!" The chief in charge walked over just then, immediately attempting to ease away the commotion.

Aparna watched him incredulously for a moment, "but sir, she threatened me," she tried to cut in.

"Aparna just do as I say," he stated calmly, his decision final. Aparna's eyes flickered between the furious man with the chiselled handsome features that had entered and threatened her further and the adamant woman that had been ready to fight tooth and nail till she was released. Fuming she slowly walked over, taking the large key-ring from around her waist.

Khushi felt her heart stop, stutter and start back up for a second as her gaze fell upon his furious face. He was looking away from her, his caramel orbs rusted with anger, even sending a chill down her own spine. She'd almost forgotten that there was this side to him, she'd almost forgotten the destroying raw anger he was capable of but she couldn't stop the words that rang through her ears.

How dare you raise your hand on my wife?

She didn't know what to do at that moment, she was so sure she hated him and maybe she did, for sending her on a rollercoaster of emotions then breaking them apart and making her rearrange her thoughts. She hated him. She didn't know whether to cry or to laugh, she felt weak suddenly, as if her body would give way.

"Mr Raizada obviously your wife has been granted bail but the case is still being dealt with and this I'm afraid will not be the end of it," the officer in charge explained to Arnav as he nodded back in return. His gaze was still fixed on Aparna, causing her to crouch away from his steely gaze. He had to use every brink of control that he could afford to prevent himself from lashing out at the woman for laying so much as a finger on his Khushi. The tortured thoughts of what could have happened if he hadn't broken out of his reverie and gotten here began to fill him with guilt all over again.

Khushi gulped several times, attempting to keep her angry, hurt tears at bay as she rubbed at the marks and tears the handcuffs had created. Her normally porcelain like skin was tinged with blue and purple in places, dark red in others, all adorned with ragged cuts that stung.

His gaze fell to her haggard face, her cheeks stained with tears and then her hands as she rubbed at her wrists and what he saw caused him to wince in pain. This was all his fault, everything, she was hurting because of him. He didn't deserve her, didn't deserve the perfect family that he desired because a person that let the woman he loved be hurt like that was not a person that deserved love.


In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?


Throwing one last glance at Aparna and shaking the chief's hand he slowly paced over and stood next to Khushi, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He kept his tortured gaze away from her, for if he did attempt another look his control may have snapped. "Shall we leave?"

Her head snapped up towards him as she appraised the agony that seemed to be etched over his face. Why was he sending her on a cascade of emotions? She noticed that it was neither a command nor a threatening question but a gently laid out request. She couldn't grasp how to react in front of this changed man.

****

She smiled down at her little girl as Arshia took a rattle, studied the vibrant streaks of colours on it then flung it to a far corner of her room. A slow smile spread on Khushi's face, her every worry subsiding even for a second as Arshia clapped her hands together in glee, clearly proud of her efforts and commenced on digging out a new toy from the bag in front of her.

She was lost in a haze of thoughts and every time she even got remotely close to thinking about them bile would rise up her throat. She could feel the weakness, the fear, the impending doom in every bone of her body. She didn't know where this was heading but she knew that the storm had only started, that this would continue until one of them was sacrificed.

She soothed the base of her neck, swallowing hard, she needed strength, needed a lifeline. She needed to speak to someone, to lay her emotions and fears bare. She could feel herself suffocating, her thoughts scattering and fighting off of each other in her own mind. And not for the first time she felt all alone again, she saw herself at the beginning of her journey after she'd thought she'd lost Arshia.

She could see herself now, with her suitcase in hand, shivering as she stood behind Lavanya unlocking the door to her apartment. She rolled time forward in her mind; cold dark grey streets lined with grey buildings, the feel of rain as large drops splattered on her skin. She remembered the sting of the cold wind, her cheeks red, the shivers that ran down her. She remembered discovering herself all over again in Aberdeen, learning to live with the broken pieces.

She was back there again, in a place where there was no one to call her own.

She didn't want to trust him, to have faith in him only to watch it crumble down again. She shut her eyes, attempting to drown out his voice that still continued to reverberate within her ears. She didn't want to let him in only for him to shut her out again. She'd probably forgiven him but she wasn't sure if she would ever have the strength to give him a second chance.

He stood at the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest, leaning against the doorframe. A thousand thoughts clashed against one another in his mind, each one contradicting the next. He didn't know how long he'd been there for, when he'd first stopped at the doorway, to be drawn into what lay before him now. This was his bubble, this was what he had vowed to protect and he wanted to. He wanted to fight for her, to face whatever may come their way with her. But he could see the void becoming bigger, the spaces stretching at their seams. He hadn't reacted on time and she'd misunderstood him once again, she'd thought he hadn't trusted her.

But if he was being honest with himself he didn't care for her future decisions anymore. If she stayed or if she left, whether she would take Arshia with her or not was insignificant, he finally decided. What mattered to him now was their happiness, what mattered was that he pay for his mistakes and if the price he'd have to pay for that was that of losing her, then be it. Sighing loudly he finally walked in.

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and unprepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me down here on my own
Well I wait for you

She turned around slowly on hearing his footsteps, too scared that her erratic heartbeats would give away the feelings that she nurtured only in the deep depths of her heart.

He sat himself down, keeping his distance, ruffling Arshia's hair before he smiled down at her. Taking a deep breath in, he finally gathered the strength to look at Khushi, his eyes clashing with hers instantly.

She looked away quickly, breaking eye contact. She just wanted to leave.

He noticed that, the reluctance, the hurt in her eyes, in her actions and it pained him. It hurt him to see the distance that only grew, the words that seized to flow between them. "Look Khushi," he finally began.

"I can solve this on my own," she cut him off, her words were harsh but there was a numb edge to her voice. She clutched the sheet in her hands as she willed the strength to argue with him within her.

"You can't, Khushi," he gulped attempting to get his words out right, "I mean..."

"There is nothing that I want from you Arnav. This is my battle and I will fight it!" She finally stated, her anger getting the better of her as she turned back around to look at him directly.

He moved forward then, grabbing her wrist in his hand and she winched in pain, attempting to yank it away.

He scrunched his eyes shut for a second, his grasp on her loosening instantly, then clenching his fists at his sides stood up and faced away from her. "I'm sorry," he mumbled quietly, not sure he could look back at her.

She watched him for a second, completely dumbfounded, she didn't understand him anymore.

"I... I just want to help," he began again, his otherwise strong voice broken in places.

"Well I don't need it," she cut him off icily, she didn't want to make herself vulnerable again.

Taking a deep breath in and bracing himself he turned around and walked back towards her, this time sitting himself down right next to her. She moved back a little, taken aback by this sudden gesture of his. He appraised her features carefully for a second before beginning, gulping back his every fear in order to just put his thoughts forward this time.

"Arnav I don't need your help," she cut him off suddenly as he opened his mouth to speak. His words would only make her weak.

He reached out slowly this time, his eyes holding her relenting gaze as he slowly intertwined his fingers through hers. Her eyes widened as she tried to break away from his hold, shocked at the sheer gentleness of it. He moved closer till she had to move back in order to keep the distance, he moved their hands, still encased in his hold towards him as she continued to stare at him completely take aback.

"Khushi," his soft husky voice, the tenderness with which he held her hand, she couldn't take it, she looked away.

"Khushi, I know you don't want to trust me, I know I've hurt you and I know that this is all my fault," she looked back towards him then, his words taking her by surprise, tears involuntarily gathering at the edges of her eyes.

He looked away, unable to hold her gaze, his guilt taking over, "but I want a chance to pay back for my mistakes, I want to make this wrong of mines right. Khushi, this has to do with Shyam, I know he's in jail but he's got his ways and you can't overcome that on your own," he finally looked back towards her. "I pushed you into this mess, so you have to let me fix it."

The sincerity in his eyes, the calm manner in which he had uttered each and every word left her speechless, she didn't know how to reply. But she could feel it again, she was giving him an advantage, she was letting him play with her again. She shook her head slowly, as if she was willing her own self to say no.

His grasp on her hand tightened then, willing her to look up at him. "Please Khushi," his voice was a pleading whisper and she could feel her heart melt in her chest, bit by bit. "Please Khushi just give me a chance to fix this, just trust me this once and I promise to not let you down."

She took a deep breath in trying to calm her frantic heart beats, "please Arnav don't push me," she mumbled, she didn't have the strength to shout at him.

He pulled on her hand again, making her look up at him, his caramel orbs scorching into the depths of her, "I will push you, because you can't do this alone," this time it was a statement, he was quickly losing his patience.

She pulled her hand away from him, growling back, "just leave me alone Arnav! I can and I will! I've lived for so many years without you! I can live the rest just fine!" She exclaimed then stood up and walked away. He walked after her, catching up with her quickly then spun her around. His fingers tightened on her elbow as he sent it to her back then brought her closer to him.

"Why don't you understand? Why can't you see that all of this is bigger than your stubbornness?!" He shouted through gritted teeth as she stared at him with wide eyes. This is why she refused to give him a chance, because she didn't know him, couldn't understand the varying changes to him.

"Let go of me Arnav!" She tried to break away from him, "you can't fix things! You will never be a person that can fix things! You only know how to break! And I'm not willing to make that same mistake again!" She screamed back at him struggling against his grip when he suddenly let go.

The sting of her words burned through his every vein, bringing with it a new kind of numbing pain. She brought her arm forward, rubbing at her elbow, just needing him to leave. She opened her mouth to say more, he was driving her crazy, his varying emotions were taking a toll on her already fragile state of mind. But before she could say anymore he had already begun to walk out, his shoulders hunched, his gaze distant and she tried to remember all that she had said, her words coming back to her in waves of guilt.

He sauntered away, not even sure of where he was going. The damage he had made to their relationship was beyond repair, she only saw him as a person that could break, she would never seem him as a person that could mend.

He wanted to hurt himself at that moment, to give back to himself every little pain that he had inflicted upon her. He stormed into his room, then grabbing a vase aimed it at the floor, his fingers tightened on the neck of it as he froze.

You will never be a person that can fix things!

You only know how to break!

Her words echoed through his mind once more and he slowly uncurled his fingers, letting the small vase slide over them, then fall to the ground with a muffled thump. His knees gave way beneath him as he fell to the floor. He leaned his back against the bed as he finally brought his hands to his face. He was sick of trying to convince her, he was sick of a past he could not change and a future that offered no chances.

She walked up to his room slowly, her every word playing over and over again on her mind. She hadn't meant any of that, she didn't think that he was only capable of breaking, it had just come out, she had been angry, he had pushed her. She could sense him giving up, his strength breaking every time she fought against him. And somewhere in the edge of her heart she didn't want him to give up, she didn't want him to give up on her, on Arshia. Somewhere deep inside she wanted him to win her over.

She stopped suddenly at his doorway, completely taken aback by the sight in front of her, it was almost as if she was frozen to the spot. She couldn't hold it in her any longer, she couldn't cope with seeing him like this. It occurred to her then that all she wanted, just like him, was their old life back, that all she wanted was him. She broke into a run, stopping mere centimeters before him before she too fell to the ground. She watched him for a few seconds, his unmoving limbs as he sat with his face buried  in his hands, as if he carried the whole worlds weight on his shoulders.

She finally forced her dry throat to react as she spoke, "I want you to help me Arnav," she finally mumbled as she quickly lifted his head up to look at her, his eyes raw and red, scorching caramel orbs clashing against glazed puddles of hazel.


In my place, in my place
Where lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah



~
I loved him in a way that you can only really do the first time round. It's the kind of love that doesn't know better and doesn't want to - it's dizzy and foolish and fierce. That kind of love is really a one-time only thing. 
- Jenny Han, Always Have Summer








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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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BeyondTheStarsIndex

Got four fanfic on the go plus the random OS's that I'll be writing. So check em out too!

http://beyondthestarsindex.blogspot.co.uk/