Saturday, 27 October 2012

Chapter 7 - Rainbows Against My Murky Sea




~
The unspoken words
will always be more haunting
than the ones you said.
- Tyler Knott Gregson
~


"Don't you want to know that," he pulled her closer, causing her to look straight into his eyes, "that you have a CHILD!" He finally shouted.

She stood their for what felt like minutes on end, his cold, determined penetrating gaze clashing against her shocked, wide hazel spheres. She felt her body lose all feeling of sensation, a coldness seeping from the tips of her toes to her very core. He let go of his grip on her arms and she felt herself stumble back a few steps. It was as if she had just been slapped with cold ice and burning embers both at the once. She felt the slow burning, creep up through her heart, already shattering it into a million pieces. How could he? She closed her eyes for a second, letting the warm drops of tears that had gathered in them trail down her cheeks. Her fingers crumpled the fabric of her trousers as she took another few cautious steps away from him. "Please leave," her voice was a trembling whisper. 

His eyes widened, not quite sure of what was going on anymore, his expression mirroring that which had been on hers only seconds ago. "But Khushi," he tried, his voice husky and pained. 

She stopped him her hand up in front of him, her fingers shaking with the effort of keeping her emotions at bay. "Please leave," she repeated a raw tremble running through her voice. 

"Khushi but," he struggled, taking another step towards her as she took one back. He attempted to place his hand on her arm but she flinched away, the raw pain, the re-surfacing hatred all too clear in her bloodshot eyes. She watched him like that for a few seconds, the span of time freezing around them. His confused demeanour, her outraged blazing orbs. 

"Please Arnav just leave! Just LEAVE!" She screamed finally, the anger and the hurt both blending into one as her voice cracked on the last note. 

He felt himself loose control again. Why the hell was she not listening to him? Arshia's vivid golden brown eyes flashed across his face, her bright dazzling smile that could put his heart through a thousand leaps. Why the hell did she not want to know about their little angel? Why would she not want to at least see her, no never mind that, hear about her? Did she know about Arshia already. No that couldn't be the case, how would she have found out? His brows scrunched together in fury, his eyes turned into a dark charred caramel, he clenched his jaw, his nostrils flaring. He took another threatening step forward, causing the heel of her foot which she had just taken back to hit the doorstep. He grabbed her wrist. 

She looked at him, pain dripping out of her eyes in the form of hot tears, "Arnav please," she tried this time, unable to bring anymore strength to her voice, feeling completely drained, completely devoid of energy. "Arnav please let me go. Please just go," she squirmed in his grasp as he pulled her closer to himself, his hot breath on her face. 

He stopped himself then, a slow dawning hitting his mind as his fingers nimbly loosened their grip. "Khushi," his voice was gentler, "why would you?" He began again just as she pulled away out of his grasp. 

"Arnav just leave! Just leave just leave!" She began to yell, her screams broken through her unyielding sobs. "Is this what you came back for? Is this why you came back?" She needed to get rid of him, she needed to get it all out and she would. She took a step towards him this time, her eyes like fiery embers. Slightly startled, for the first time in his life, he felt himself take a step back. "This is why you came back! After all of these years!" She continued as he watched her in confusion; her shaking finger, the trembling muscles of her face, her cheeks a dark shade of pink, her hazel orbs like he had never seen before. "To remind me! To ask me! To accuse me! Whatever the hell it is you want to gain! You are just! You are," she was loosing her train of thought again, she could feel it coming, the throbbing at the back of her head, the numbing pain that caused her heart to sear into a million pieces every time. Arnav watched unable to even gulp as she leaned against the wall, her fingers trailing down the smooth paint, her cheek hitting the cold surface, her eyes blinking slowly, large droplets of tears dripping down her face. He watched as she crumpled down to the ground, his senses seemingly having become closed down, he watched her break down, what all that he had done had really meant hitting him truly for the first time. "I, I tried," she gulped, "I tried to save her, I would have given my life to keep her," she hugged her hand to her chest as she sat their, at the corner grieving for what she had lost and he stood there, stock still, unable to fathom what was going on, his unbearable guilt not allowing him to comfort her. "But I couldn't! I couldn't!" She screamed, her sobs ragged and torn, "she was already dead, my baby." She attempted to wipe some of the tears trailing down her cheeks with the back of her hand, "my baby, she was dead," the pain, the heartbreak, those memories of her broken past that she wished did not exist were all re-surfacing and this time she wasn't sure how she would get out of them. 

Arnav gulped down his own choking tears, put a stop to his heart which he could feel slowly sinking to the pits of his stomach. He felt her pain, every burning ounce of it, in equal intensities, he understood her now, why she had reacted in such a way. She didn't understand, no she didn't know the truth, the truth which had been difficult for his own self to fathom never mind a person as broken and agonised as Khushi. He crouched down next to her, putting his arm out to comfort her, his fingers already out-stretched then stopped himself again. A lone tear escaped his eye, he didn't have the right to do that anymore, a man who had caused such pain, taken all that she had had away from her didn't deserve to be the same person that would comfort her. He watched as she grieved with her head between her knees, her tears drenching the fabric of her harems and he thought of how he couldn't even imagine putting himself in her place, of losing a child that you had carried inside you even after all that you had endured and his hand rested on her shoulder of it's own accord. She looked up suddenly, her tormented hazel orbs clashing against his muddied brown ones and in that unblinking moment an understanding sparked between the two. Her loud sobs hushed into small sniffles, she seemed stuck on that point, upon the intense penetrating gaze. 

"That's not why I came here," his voice was controlled yet quiet, his gaze still firmly on her, taking in every tiny detail of her face, her slightly flaring nostrils, the teardrop nestled in her eyelash, threatening to fall off of the brink onto her soft satin cheeks. He moved his thumb to just below her eye, catching it before it fell to the ground in its demise and she flinched slightly, her eyes now startled but he brought his other hand round to her arm and pulled her in closer, his gaze not wavering for a second. "If I tell you that I can feel your pain, that would be wrong," he began, his voice still soft, "if I ask you for forgiveness it wouldn't be enough," he admitted, the clarity in his eyes almost unnerving. "But today neither am I here to accuse you nor ask for your forgiveness, the first which you don't deserve and the second that I don't deserve." She continued to watch him, completely baffled, her tears subsiding now, leaving only salty remnants in it's gait. He moved both his hands on to her shoulders and sighing bowed his head down, closing his eyes for a second he took a deep breath in. She felt her heart beat stutter and pause, her breath hitch in her throat. His voice was a bare whisper, heavy with regret, with anguish, he refused to meet her eyes as he spoke. "Khushi, I don't know how to tell you this, how you'll take it, what consequences it will have on my own life. But I must because I've hurt you too much, I've let this go on for too long. Khushi..." He looked up this time, to hazel orbs of confusion, "Khushi, your daughter, our daughter," he emphasised "our" because he feared leaving it at "your", feared what that would mean, "Khushi she's alive." Her eyes widened, she tried to move away from him but he held on, his grasp firm. "Khushi she never died, you were made to believe that, she's with me, I tried..."

She pushed his arms away from her, pushing herself back then stood up, the array of emotions flickering through her face, inexplainable. "You're lying!" She shouted, fresh tears spurting out of her eyes, "YOU'RE LYING!" She yelled. "You're lying," her voice finally became a hoarse whisper as she broke down all over again. He jumped forward this time, sending his arms around her as she leaned into him, her body heaving with the loud sobs that racked her body. "You're lying, she died, the doctor told me that I had lost her," she continued through her tears as he held onto her. 

"No Khushi," he closed his eyes for a second, controlling himself before he too broke down in front of her. Still holding onto her he brought out his wallet with his other hand. "Khushi look at me, Khushi you need to believe me," he mumbled just as she looked up into his eyes once more. He opened his wallet out, bringing the little inlet for pictures in front of her, his fingers covering up the photo that he had of Khushi and only revealing to her that of Arshia. "Khushi that's her, that's our daughter," he murmured just as she grabbed onto it, her own picture at the far side of the wallet not escaping her eyes for a second. She hurriedly wiped the tears away from her eyes, fixing her blurred vision, her eyes falling onto the smiling little girl. She looked like an angel, large dark eyelashes framing bright golden caramel eyes, a tiny button-like nose, her small toothy smile, the tiny curls of hair that framed her face.  She continued to look at the face of her little angel for what felt like an eternity, not even able to explain the many emotions that coursed through her. He watched her in silence, the tender beauty of Khushi's face, the shock, the love, the relief all too clear in her features, he watched as her hands shook but she still continued to hold onto the wallet with all her might then closing her eyes brought it to her chest, hugging the picture of her little angel to herself. 

Khushi let the warm tears trail down her cheeks, this slow sense of calm spreading through her own being. It felt as if something had been lifted off of her shoulders. She was still alive, her little angel was alive, she felt at peace with herself, she felt this nudging feeling of happiness again. It was all coming back and it was all overwhelming, she sat there for what felt like forever, his wallet in her hands, hugging her little daughters picture to herself. 

He wanted to engulf her in his arms in that instant, make all of her worries, her heartbreak go away but didn't let himself, for he had lost that right a long time back, he no longer felt he had the right to comfort her, not when he had been the one to give her all of this pain in the first place. 

Khushi she's alive 

His words came back to her again, the deeper meaning to them, her fingers on his wallet tightened on the leather edges of his wallet, a new fury now bubbling to the surface. He'd hidden it from her, for 15 months! He'd hid her daughters existence from her. Her small hands formed into fists as she let his wallet drop to the ground. He looked up suddenly, taken aback by her reaction. She stood up slowly, picked up the wallet and outstretched her arm, holding it out to him as he too stood up, his eyes carefully scrutinising her features. She continued to stare away from him, a coldness to her otherwise soft gaze, a light tremble running through her body from all of the emotions clouding her mind. 

"Take me to her," she stated, looking towards him now, her eyes steely and penetrating. He took a step towards her, trying to read her guarded expression, he didn't understand. She didn't seem to want to know anymore than that, he had been so prepared to tell her everything, everything from the beginning but now it seemed she just wanted to see Arshia. He looked down, fearing the worst, fearing the consequences of what it may lead to. 

"Arnav take me to my daughter," she said it on purpose, she was not their daughter, she was only her daughter; her child that Arnav had dared to keep away from her for a year and a half! And she'd be damned if she allowed him to continue. "Just take me to her now, I'll pack my bags in five minutes, wherever she is you're taking me there," she stated with finality whilst he continued to look away from her. That was all she said, she didn't demand an explanation, she didn't ask why he'd kept it from her for so long, she didn't ask where she was right now. All she knew was that she needed to see her daughter and bring her away from this beast of a man, because that's what he was, she had been stupid to think anything else of him. He was a beast, a cold, ruthless, heartless shell of a man whose vengeance knew no bounds. She had been wrong about him then and she would continue to be wrong about him. A man not capable of love did not deserve it back. 


Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could


He stuffed his hands into his pockets, shutting his eyes as the she entered her flat, banging the door shut behind her, almost as if it had impacted off of him. He knew from her cols gaze, her sudden distance, the distaste in her voice. All of those years ago he had committed a mistake; the biggest mistake of his life and he knew that all of these years later he would finally pay for it. 

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could

First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The wight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

He sat next to her, feeling the craft become weightless, his thoughts become heavy, his mind chaotic. His observed the cold exterior of the woman that now sat next to him, the woman that he had created, that his mistakes had given way too. Their moments played through his mind, her soft gentle words, the gleaming tears in her eyes, her endurance, her love, her sacrifices and he felt himself crumble all over again, the pain too real from all that he had caused. And now her unnerving adamant gaze that spoke volumes, let him understand her without a single word and the thought of it made bile rise up his throat. He felt it in his every limb, the loss that awaited him, he knew that just like he had not let her speak her side all those years ago this time she wouldn't give him a chance either. He closed his eyes, leaning back against the seat, a dozen memories of his little angel flashing across his mind and gulped down the tears that threatened to escape him, cursing the fate that was his life, the fact that he'd only known loss from the day he was born.

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could 
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

They both felt it, this new course that their lives would take and they both braced themselves for what was ahead of them; one at the prospect of seeing, of knowing about the one thing that had shattered her life completely on that fateful day a year and a half ago and one at that gnawing thought of the back of his mind of losing the one thing that held his life intact...

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness...



~
She remembered what hope was, and this was it. That inner churning that moves you forward, plows you through life that way the boats below plowed the shiny water, the way the plane was plowing forward to a place new, and where she was needed. - Elizabeth Strout, Olive Kitteridge
~


Saturday, 13 October 2012

Chapter 6 - Closed Chapters



~
I gave you everything you wanted, you gave me nothing but grief - Another Me, The Cab
~

The sky was dark, the strands of grass long and wet, grazing against the bare skin of her feet, the insides of her pumps were wet and she struggled to walk properly with her feet slipping against the insides of them. The opening twinkled with tiny little lights, hanging off of the edges of everything. She stood behind the bark of a tree, her fingers trailing against the drenched wood, bits damp and breaking off into her fingers as her heart hammered away in her chest. Even after all of these years and all that he had put her through she found it difficult to stay away. She didn't attempt to wipe away the tears that now streaked down her cheeks, there was no point they didn't seem to seize from pouring. Her eyes traced the hard planes of his body as he stood looking upto the skies, allowing himself to be drenched with torrents of the rain that fell down, soaking him from head to toe. Why was he doing this? Even in the slosh of the rain as it fell to the ground, the loud pitter-pater of it as it dropped onto the plastic of her umbrella there was a deafening silence; the silence of the emptiness of their hearts. Why had he come back? Why now? She needed to get away before that silence engulfed her completely, she needed to get away before he got to her yet again.

****
Khushi awoke the next morning, her eyes still droopy from the lack of sleep. She quickly slammed the alarm off and sat up in bed. There was a heavy coolness that she could feel around her and she suddenly remembered that she had forgotten to turn the heaters on. She sighed deeply and put her legs out of the quilt, bracing herself for yet another monotonous day. She was slowly but surely trying to forget that he was back, that the black shadow of his presence was now only inches away from her but she was struggling.

****

Arnav strode over to the bathroom and bringing his hands together let the water collect in them then splashed it over his face. He did this several times till he felt that the tiredness had worn off, then turning the knob in the shower stepped in. Sleep didn't come to him normally anymore, ever since she had left he had become sort of an insomniac. Whenever he closed his eyes nightmares would engulf him, nightmares of his own sodden actions. And now the results of them were so horribly clear, he'd left her lifeless, hiding away in a secluded part of the world, hiding away from everything that she held close. He needed to talk to her, he needed to tell her, the burden of knowing that she lived a life of sorrow all because of him, that he had kept from her something that she deserved to know. Letting the water scorch his skin as he always did he slowly turned the knob down. His movements were precise measured, if it wasn't for routine he would find it difficult to survive.

Bringing his phone out he quickly pressed down his Di's number and placed it to his ear, the cool drops of water of his still wet hair dripping down his neck and onto his t-shirt.

"Di? How are you?" He began as he always did, first asking about her to take away from the fear that something could have happened whilst he was away.

"I'm fine chottey. And she's fine," she answered back, a slight smile adorning her face, fully aware of why he called. It used to always be to actually see if she was okay but it wasn't anymore and she didn't miss that. In part she blamed herself, for being blind to the truth, for not bringing what she had found in front of him earlier, for letting him protect her over and over again and never letting him know that his happiness also mattered to her. His sole focus was now only on one person and it was as if her brother went blind and deaf to the rest of the world and if she was being honest she didn't blame him. All he had ever been given was unhappiness and now he held onto the only thing that gave him stability.

"Has she eaten? Did she have dinner last night?" He questioned then, the concern clear in his voice.

"Yes chottey she had dinner last night, somewhat reluctantly as always but I made sure she had enough food. And she's just ran off after having breakfast," she smiled fondly into the phone. "She is now out playing with Ayaan," she reassured him smiling and looked behind her to make sure that they were still within familiar distance.

"That's great, please do call me when Arshia comes back," his voice was quiet, he spoke of her with a sort of devotion then slowly cut the call off.

--

"Arshia!" Anjali called out as she walked out into the back garden where Ayaan, her little son could be seen crawling around in his mat. She looked around a little, not able to find her at first. "Arshu baby? Where are you hunni?" She called out again just as a little face peaked out from behind the little plastic pony at the side. She walked over and crouched down, taking the little hand into hers, "hi baby? Your pappa called, he wants to talk to you," she smiled creating a similarly large grin on the little girls face, her two small front teeth visible through her otherwise toothless smile. Anjali watched for a few seconds, taking in the beauty of her brothers little bundle of joy, her eyes large and dove-like, just like her mothers, the small spheres however a golden caramel, what seemed to be mixture of her brothers and Khushi's, the little button like nose, her soft porcelain like skin. The similarities between Arshia and Khushi were striking and she couldn't even begin to understand how much it must hurt her brother to live unable to escape his memories of her. She'd watched as Arnav had gradually lost all of his happiness, first their parents, then Khushi, then his own mistakes; after Khushi had left he had become a cold hard shell, closing himself off from the rest of the world, refusing to converse with people unless needed, refusing to move on with life. And then Arshia had happened and she'd seen that tiny spark in his eyes, how he had fought tooth and nail for her and then the will to live back in him as he desperately tried to find Khushi, to tell her what had happened but all in vain. He hadn't found her and now Anjali was sure he never would and she'd seen his life come crashing down once again. And now his soul purpose was Arshia, if he lived, breathed, worked it was all for her. Anjali held out her finger which Arshia quickly sent her tiny fingers around, then running her other arm around her back lifted the little girl up. "Come baby, we'll go talk to pappa okay?" Anjali smiled as she carried her and walked back into the house. She knew that her brother's day would be incomplete without talking to his daughter.

****

Slowing down the car he signalled left then slowly turned in, scanning the numbers of the buildings. Thirteen, he needed to find thirteen, he drove extremely slowly, making sure that he did not miss it and that's when he finally spotted it. A large green door with the number thirteen etched on it. Moving a bit more forward he eased the car into a parking spot. He sat there for a few more seconds, taking in deep breaths and bracing himself for yet another encounter, that he expected to not go well. But if only he could get through to her once, let the words flow and tell her what he had to say. Although the fear of the unknown, what her finding out would bring to his life continued to crippled his senses he would inevitably have to tell her, and he would rather do that whilst Arshia was still a baby. He didn't want Arshia to grow up and find that he had kept her away from her mother and hate him too. He placed his hand on the gear stick, contemplating on just driving off once again. Would Arshia hate him? Would she find out? Yes she probably would and she would hate him. Would he be able to live with her hatred? He gulped, the fear too real for him to even think about it, he felt the strongest of pain engulf him then. No he wouldn't be able to live with her hatred, not Arshia's hatred. He let his fingers slide back off the gear stick and clenched them into a fist instead, scrunching his eyes shut for a moment, the raw agony in his face clear. Snapping his eyes back open he snatched the keys out of the slot then slammed his way out of the car. he would tell her. Today. Once and for all.

The buzzer was broken, the door already open and he let himself in, flat number F, that would have to be the final one, his steps were measured, slow as his feet hit against the laminate flooring of the corridors then the steps, the pace of his heart beat increasing with each step.

In my life I don't mean much to anyone
I've lost my way can't go back anymore
Once I had everything now it's gone
Don't tell me again coz I've heard it all before

Some people say that I'm not worth it 
I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect
Guess I'll give it a try


****

Khushi's head snapped up suddenly, her fingers freezing on the apple that she had been cutting. She gulped, feeling fear and unease rapidly creep up her spine. Aryan had already arrived, then left for his hotel, he wouldn't come back without calling her first. Could it be? No! He wouldn't be able to find her. She quickly placed the apple on the counter and wiping her hands on the tea towel made her way over to the door, her bare feet slow on the wooden flooring. She could feel the slight tremble in her fingers, the way her heart seemed to almost skip every beat.

He knocked again, sure that this was her flat, his knuckles loud against her wooden door. "Open the door Khushi, please open the door," he mumbled to himself just as it cracked open, the abruptness of it causing his hand to freeze mid-knock.

I've got one last chance to get myself together
I can't lose no more time it's now or never and I'll try to remember who I used to be 
I've got one last chance to get myself together

Her eye widened instantly, taking in the tall form of if she was being correct, her husband. She felt herself immediately take a step back. He seemed frozen to the spot for a few seconds, his cold hard gaze steadily trained on her.

He felt his breath hitch in his throat, his heart pound through his ribs at a pace even he had not known possible. Was he breathing? Yes he was, damn it why did she always have this affect on him. He struggled to move his gaze away from her large hazel eyes, struggled to form coherent words. Then almost of their own accord his feet began to move forward, nearly crossing the threshold in to her flat when she snapped back into her senses and narrowed the opening in the door. She sighed then, the situation finally properly registering in her mind.

"Why have you come here Arnav?" She questioned, all sense of emotion seemingly lost from her voice.

He averted his gaze then, the shame and guilt consuming him once more, "I..." he struggled to form the right words, the cold almost mechanical edge to her voice scaring him.

"Why are you back? Why now? After all of these years?" She continued, her cold gaze not wavering for a second and he struggled to meet her eyes, for fear of the hatred that he would see in them.

"Khushi I just wanted to..." He tried again, his voice low, constrained.

"You wanted to what Arnav?" She cut him off harshly, her brows knitting together in annoyance. "You wanted to start over again? Is that it? You think you can do all that you have done to me and start all over again? Is that it?" She questioned, she opened the door fully then, her fear of subsiding and commenced to standing in front of him with her arms folded, her expression challenging whilst he continued to look down, away from her.

He allowed himself a seconds glance towards her then averted his eyes once more, her stance, the anger she seemed to have towards him too much for him to handle.

"Please Khushi I just need to tell you something and then..."

"No!" She exclaimed, feeling the tears now only seconds away from pouring out. "You cannot just walk back into my life and think you have the right to go ahead and tell me anything!" She screamed, bubbles of tears gathering up around the rims of her eyes, her finger pointed out towards him shaking and red.

"Khushi I just," he tried again, wanting to just grab her hand and shout at her all over again but stifling that reaction for it would only make things worse.

"NO!" She screamed, her gaze almost penetrating through him and he felt himself freeze to the spot. "NO! Just leave! JUST LEAVE!" She screamed as he stared back completely dumbfounded. "And do not ever come back!"

"Khushi just once," he began to mumble again only to be cut off by her.

"I mean it Arnav! Just leave! And if you come back I swear to you I will take out a restraining order!"

He pounced forward suddenly, the contours of his face hardening, his eyes cold and unnerving, every muscle in his body tensed with the sudden anger that seemed to course through him as she looked up, her fears re-surfacing, almost crouching away from his frightening glare. "Just let me fucking speak damn it! Just for once let me speak!" He growled through gritted teeth, his fingers digging into her flesh.

"You're hurting me Arnav," she struggled as she squirmed within his grip.

"And what about the fact that I'm hurting? What about the fact that I need to tell you this before I break down completely!" He screamed, her eyes widening in shock in reaction.

"How dare you? How dare you always think that only your pain matters? And what about all those times when I wanted to speak and you wouldn't let me?" She questioned, her voice equally as loud, her face now only inches away from him.

He felt himself waver for a second, his grip on her loosening slightly, that had cut a little too deep, he gulped needing to go on. He slid his hands towards her wrists, tightening his hold on them once again and pulled her closer into himself. "Just let me say what I have to say Khushi. I need to get this out and then I'll leave, please, "his voice was quieter again, pleading, his chocolate brown eyes looking into the depths of hers as tears streamed out of her own.

"I can't Arnav I can't let myself go back there again. Whatever you have to say I don't want to know," she mumbled looking away from him, not wanting to show him her tears, tears that shouldn't be flowing for him.

"You do want to know," he tried to reason, shaking her wrists and making her look back up towards him.

"I don't," she shook her head, looking away once again.

"You do!" His voice was louder again.

"I don't Arnav," she looked back at him, the determination clear in her eyes.

"Don't you want to know..."

"I don't Arnav! I don't want to know!" She screamed, their angry gazes now clashing. "I don't want to know!" She shouted again.

"Don't you want to know Khushi..." He shouted again trying to get through to her, shaking her.

"No I don't want to! I don't want to know anything!" She cut him off again.

"Don't you want to know Khushi that..."

"I don't..."

"Don't you want to know that," he pulled her closer, causing her to look straight into his eyes, "that you have a CHILD!" He finally shouted.

I don't wanna be misunderstood 
I've got to take this chance and make it into something good...




There daughter's name is Arshia, I found it pretty apt and the fact that it actually is a real name made me quite happy. So hope you guys like it too :). It means heavenly or divine :). 



Friday, 12 October 2012

When Truth Prevails - The Not Very Tiny Story So Far

Khushi Kumari Gupta, a student with dreams for the future, hopes and dreams all etched out and painted in the rosy blanket of her universe, she encompasses it all in her own world and heads off to the city of Glasgow to embark on her life of a medical student. On her way there she encounters a person who she assumes to be one of the rudest people she has ever met - Arnav Singh Raizada, a business student at Glasgow University as well. They argue, he shouts at her and they go their own separate ways, hoping never to see each other again. But little do they know that this chance encounter would entwine them together for a lifetime, keeping them always a part of each others lives.

Two new characters: Aryan and Alisha.

At this point we see Khushi talking to Alisha about a guy that she had walked into at the airport, how he had told her off despite it being his fault, how he had threatened that it wouldn't be good for her if she got in his way again. And that's when she sees him again, in campus, with his own group of friends and she decides to never look at him again. What follows is a serious of encounters, the feelings of the man himself - Arnav Singh Raizada and how he gradually appears to be falling for Khushi, a girl from an entirely different universe to him. He wants to apologise to her, he regrets his outburst at the airport and quite clearly can't get her out of his mind. That's when they meet again, at a party, where she is about to be harassed by another guy and Arnav of course saves her, surprising Khushi to the core. She appears not to be able to understand him. He ends up angry at her for coming to the party in the first place and walks off. But that obviously isn't the end of it, they meet again in campus where Khushi seems to be down about the fact that she's away from home. He tries to make her feel better and unknowingly does that by saying her name, she becomes overwhelmed on understanding that he had remembered her name which she had mentioned to him in passing. They talk about family and he appears to quickly distance himself on the mention of his own and leaves again.
But of course it's never that simple so they meet again on the route that she has started taking to uni, he once again initiates the conversation and after at first telling him off, Khushi feels bad and here begins the true phase of their relationship. She feels completely drawn to him, can't stop thinking about him and despite her friends warnings against associating with him continues to crave to converse with him. However, the story here again takes another turn where he is seen to distance himself from her despite the fact that he actually can't stay away from her. He's insecure, he doesn't think he's good enough but Khushi being the person she is once again breaks through the boundaries and gives him the courage and chance to finally let go of his burdens and this is where we find out what has made him the way he is.
This is where we find out Arnav's story; how his father had cheated on her mother with another woman and how it had all been revealed on Anjali's wedding day, how this then had led to his mother murdering his father. He tells her everything, his own story in all its gory details, how he had been the first to get to her when she had committed suicide and how she had breathed her last breath in his arms. This brings the both of them closer, even though he keeps most of his walls up, it seems if she asks he wouldn't be afraid to tell her anything anymore and here begins the phase where they begin to go out with each other but even that does not last for too long.
One day Khushi suddenly gets a phone call from her mother, her father has gotten into an accident and she decides to go back to India and take care of him for a while. But before she leaves she yearns to spend one last time in his arms, even though he refuses at first, knowing that Khushi isn't thinking rationally Khushi is adamant, she doesn't know when she would come back and wants to cherish every minute with him. And so they make love to each other and he leaves for a meeting promising to come back before she leaves. But circumstances would always have it differently; her mother calls her again whilst he is away and reveals to her the true details of the situation. Her father is in hospital, he has become paralysed. Guilt engulfs Khushi completely; she thinks that while her father had been lying in hospital fighting between life and death she had been making out with Arnav craving oblivion and instead of allowing herself time to think things through properly, she leaves immediately without so much as telling him. Arnav walks back into an empty room knowing deep down that this would mean that she wouldn't be coming back.

What follows is weeks on end where he tries to contact her but she refuses to reply and in the end we see Arnav giving up and finally closing off the few walls he had broken down for her. Here we see the birth of ASR, the cold-hearted, insecure person he will then become.

4 years later...

It's four years later and they both have moved on in some way or the other; Arnav has become ASR - a ruthless business man who appears to have no emotions attached to him, whereas Khushi has become more independant and now lives life the way it flows. But this all changes when they meet again, when Khushi attends a job interview, without knowing that it will actually be held my the man himself. Here we see the story take another turn, their options seem to be closed off, Arnav's new persona instilling fear in her more than anything else. We see that Arnav has in fact moved on, he is to be married off to Lavanya. On seeing Khushi for the first time in years, the gash of what had happened still too deep for him to withhold, he storms away from her, not allowing himself so much as a second glance back at her. This hurts Khushi in more ways than one and she too decides that that chapter of her life ended many years ago and that she would not go back there again. But once again fate would have it all a different way and Khushi ends up working as Arnav's wedding planners assistant where she meets him once more. Here we see her breaking down for the first time, too overwhelmed by his constant rejections, the way in which he just seems to turn away and walk off. She's sent by the wedding planner to take his measurements and we see another crucial point in the story. The detached ASR once again turns into the caring Arnav on seeing her tears, he attempts to console her and she breaks down into his arms but this also is short lived. Lavanya witnesses this and as he breaks away to explain things Khushi leaves once again. Arnav curses himself for his weakness, for allowing her to affect him in such ways. He's supposed to have moved on, she isn't supposed to mean anything to him and yet she does. He decides to once again attempt to shove her out of his mind, returning back to his cold demeanour but of course she breaks through once more.

Here Shyam is also introduced, how he has entered Khushi's house as a paying guest and his desires to marry Khushi are also revealed. Whilst on the other hand Arnav has finally given up trying to ignore her and gathers up the courage to call and ask her to meet him. They finally meet and we witness exactly how comfortable they are with each other, how strong their bond must be. Khushi tries to back away, she doesn't want to be the one to break off Arnav's relationship with Lavanya but Arnav is adamant, he doesn't want to hear any of it. Khushi accuses him of being selfish, she states that he has moved on and that now it is better if she lets him go. This enrages him completely, he says she is the one that left him, that he tried to forget her but couldn't, what else was he supposed to do but move on? He wants an explanation. "Do I not even deserve an explanation Khushi?" She tries to say more, to explain that she does not want to get in the way when he quietens her with a harsh kiss which slowly transforms into a softer one, their passions colliding, years of suppressed desire finally spilling out. She doesn't actually offer him an explanation however and he doesn't ask her for one, his need for her to be by his side stronger. They decide to move on with their relationship, leaving the events of their past to be explained later on.

This is when Shyam's story comes to the forefront. He is seen to continue lusting over Khushi and whilst Arnav and Khushi seem to now be getting on well, buaji is of the misconception that this happiness of Khushi's is because she has accepted the proposal she had asked Garima to present to Khushi on Shyam's behalf. Whist Shyam on the other hand has tried to get Lavanya to support him in his plans to ruin Arnav and have Khushi to himself at the same time. But Lavanya has not agreed and instead tells Arnav that his brother-in-law is a cheat and then Khushi that he is a married man and leaves.

This is when the biggest twist comes - the terrace scene; where as all of you know Arnav sees Khushi hugging Shyam and misunderstands her and forces her to marry him. She agrees because she wants to prove to him that she is not wrong. Shyam is quick to fill Arnav's mind with poison and he refuses to listen to Khushi's side of the story, even though his love for her constantly overshadows his hate, the pang of pain that she may have deliberately cheated on him causes him to hurt her....
And then you know what happens and how the prequel ends.

My lil explanations:
This story thrives on the pure love that Arnav and Khushi have for each other. Although Khushi's unexplained abandonment of Arnav is what leads to the beginning of this misunderstand it is Arnav's insecurities that propels it forward. His past has caused him to build many walls around himself and when he finally let's her in and she leaves he builds newer, stronger ones around himself. Although he then perceives himself to be stronger he isn't. In fact he is emotionally much more vulnerable. Although they love each other, their relationship is weak, although the foundations are pure their lack of explanations leaves the seams of their bond weak. And that is how Shyam takes advantage of it. 
If you do actually read through the whole FF again you will realise the subtle differences that have arisen in Arnav's character over time. At first it wasn't too difficult for her to get him to open up to her but after the four years he refuses to let her in. At first he is always willing to listen to her side of things, support her whenever something happens but this time round he wouldn't even give her the chance to talk to him. All of this is due to his insecurities and nothing else. Arnav as a person never believes that she deserves someone as broken and closed off as him and the situations that he is faced with only increases that insecurity. 
Khushi on the other hand although it has not been clearly written jumps to decisions too quickly. When she is put in front of a problem she solves it irrationally and this is what leads to further problems for her. She leaves Arnav at first because she feels guilty for being with him whilst her father was fighting for his life, she agrees to get married to him because she thinks this can fix things and then when he finally asks her to leave, she leaves when if she had stayed she probably could have gotten through to him. 
These character traits of theirs will not change and they will remain the biggest obstacle in their relationship. 
In the end however I do not blame Khushi's character for anything and unlike in the show nor will she blame herself for anything that has happened because at the end of the day it really is Arnav's fault. At the end of the prequel he was given the choice of standing up and rectifying his mistakes; he knows Khushi well enough to know that he still has a chance with her. But he is too cowardly to accept that he has gone about ruining her life for a mistake that she had not committed. Although he has realised the truth he is afraid to hear it from her own mouth. 


This is the story so far and I know it's taken ages to update, I do hope to not take as long with the updates now that I am back at uni and will attempt to get an update up at least every weekend.



Sunday, 7 October 2012

Chapter 5 - Memories of a Teardrop

Okay so here is where this story truly starts. I read a lot of FFs on IF and even though this follows very closely to all of those themes I wanted it to be different in some other sense. So hopefully this plot ploy has not been employed in any of the other FFs and here ya go. I know it may look a bit ektaish in the beginning but I assure you it won't be like that ;). Erm so yeh enjoy it :). 





~

It has been said time heals all wounds, but I do not agree. The wounds remain; in time, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissues and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. – Rose Kennedy
~


She snapped out of her thoughts suddenly, stifling down the tears that threatened to continue to flow. She moved the leaves away from her. She needed to stop this! She'd moved on remember? He'd told her to leave right? So why was he back? After so long what right did he have? Taking her finished mug of tea from the coffee table she walked back into her kitchen and opened the tap. She held her hands underneath the scorching hot liquid, letting it numb her skin then splashed it onto her face. She couldn't forget it, couldn't replace those horrible memories. What had happened, what she had been through, how everything had come crashing down and then continued until she had been pushed to the edge, until her feet were literally slipping off of a cliff and then all the effort. How hard she'd worked to forget her whole life, remove every trace of her past. She leaned against the sink, her knuckles standing against her skin as her grip on the cool steel tightened, she let her tears drip this time, let them take over completely. If she had learned one thing in life it was to always let herself cry because at least at the end of it she'd have let something out.

Meet him? No she couldn't, she couldn't forget the past and move on like that, meet him as if nothing happened, as if he hadn't taken her life and flipped it around completely. She hadn't realised up till now how naive she had been, how stupid to have let him play with her life like that. And then what she had lost because of him, because of fate, because of every godforsaken thing that she had let happen to her. Steadying herself against the sink she gulped down her tears then slammed the tap shut. She walked back into her room and reaching under the bed pulled out a box. Carefully pricing the lid open she took the little leather bound book from within it, she hadn't done this in ages but she had kept it, knowing at the back of her mind that memories were such that one day it would all come back and she would need to do this. Carefully flicking through the old pages she came to a blank sheet of paper, the journal half of the size of what it had been to begin with. Bringing out a black pen she began to write in it, pouring all that she could remember onto the thick white page, letting the ink sink in, her writing slanted and neat, like it always was when she wrote. She wrote quickly, wanting to desperately move on with her life.

****

Arnav sat back on the large couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table, lost in his own thoughts. It had been so many years and yet she didn't appear to have changed one bit. Her fear of him still scared him; she still saw him as the monster that he had been with her. He could see it clearly, her scars were still fresh, still only below the surface and maybe just maybe he was opening them. But now he wanted her back, no he needed her back god damn it! He needed her in his life, to guide him through things that she should be there with him through, that she should have always been there with him through if he had given her the chance. And he had wanted to, god knows he had wanted to but he hadn't been able to trace her, he had tried then finally given up, the pain too strong, the guilt too real and he had had to stop before he would have completely broken down because he didn't have that option anymore, she hadn't left him with that option.

He took out his wallet and looked at the two pictures in it, one old and frayed at the edges, the other new and bright, the similarities striking, the first of his life, the second of the person that kept him going, his strength, the one who had a hold over his every breath. His phone rang suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts and he answered immediately.

"Yes darling are you okay?" He questioned, his voice gentle, a tiny spark alighting his eyes then smiled fondly back at the reply. A rare smile, one that he only reserved for her. If only Khushi knew, if only he had had the courage to tell her there and then, but he hadn't and he still didn't but he would, because he had to for his sake, for her sake. And he would, tonight at eight he would tell her everything, because more than anything she deserved to know. A tear prickled his eye then, one he let shed for the unknown, for the possibility that she would find out and he would loose everything all over again, but in this retched game that fate had played with him she deserved happiness whilst he did not so he would tell her, once and for all.

Writing here
Cause there's nothing left here
For me to do
But please know that
I'm trying to make up for my mistakes
And you're moving on
With guilty memories
But I was wrong
To ever test us
This broken road is more than I can take

He hoped to god that she would come meet him tonight, let him tell her what he had to say.

****

Khushi carefully ripped out the page that she had written on, leaving behind only the tiniest little scraps of paper, the only evidence of the tear. She folded it up then tore it down the middle, slowly but perfectly she put the two pieces together then tore it down the middle again and again until the pieces were tiny then collecting them all in the palms of her hands she stood up and walked over to the bin and dropped them into the depths of it, letting another tear slither down her cheek. She wouldn't meet him tonight, she'd have to make sure that he never tried to meet her again and for that she had already made plans. Moving back the lace curtain she watched as a car pulled into a parking spot and then a few minutes later as another one left, she watched until the skies suddenly darkened and the clouds broke through for rain to fall down to the ground, as the children playing around retreated back into their houses. She put her fingers to the cool glass of the window and let them slide down with the slow drops of waters. She felt her hatred for him re-surface, all these years later he had returned once again not caring what that would do to her and that made her mind up for her. No she would not meet him again, she had been younger then, not so exposed to the harsher realities of life but he had taught her and she had learned the lessons the hard way. And once you learn your lesson you don't put yourself in that situation ever again. If he thought he could come back into her life again, he had another thing coming.

****

Arnav clicked the car door open and slowly walked over to the path between the grass that would lead him over the hill and into the center of the park, he'd booked the place for the day. It was still the same, very unlike him, unlike her who had both changed in many ways, who had grown, who had grieved, unlike them the park remained the same. It's greenery still vibrant, the small pond down below, encompassed within the large granite wall still fresh with tiny rippled running through it as the wind moved the water to it's liking, just the same as it had been all those years ago when he had first visited Aberdeen. He felt the soft drizzle on his hand then, the first of the drops of rain that he hoped would not continue for long. It was 7.55pm and he prayed that she would come to see him, that her heart had at least decided to give him one last chance to make things right again.

So this is the way that I'll tell you 
That I'll leave you alone if you want me to
But I've had enough of this life alone
I'll give it up this time I know
I don't deserve to tell you that I love you
There's nothing in this world I'd take above you
I'm dead inside 
Bring me back to life

He watched the twinkling lights on the trees, how they all surrounded round the square, dazzling and sparkling creating the opening in the middle and felt the seconds and minutes tick by. He brought the little box out of his pocket and looked at the ring encased in the middle of it, with a sparkling diamond crested in the middle then shutting it put it back in the pocket. He walked around, that dreading feeling only inches away from the surface as the soft spots of drizzle became bigger and began to pelt their way down, drowning the surroundings in a curtain of water as it fell down drenching him from head to toe as he stood in the middle of it all refusing to accept the fact that had been gnawing at his mind from the beginning, he stood letting the rain drown him in his own misery, let it hit against him and slide down his face.

I'm dead inside
Bring me back to life


~
The boy never loved again, and he never forgot what he’d learned that to love is to destroy, and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed. – Cassandra Clare, The City of Bones
~




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BeyondTheStars
I have too many stories in my head and sometimes I just need to put them out there for people to read. Fanfic writing was an idea that I hadn't considered at all until coming across some really good ones on India-Forums so my writing is an affect of too much IF trolling on lazy revision days. I get bored easily from studying (which I do too much of) and writing helps me relax. My life involves a whole load of drama so the twists and turns in my stories will show the effect of that. Anyway hope you enjoy the Arshi fanfics I send your way :).
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